


Lallybroch

by CourageousJS



Series: Mirrorball [4]
Category: Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, jamie x claire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:35:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 36,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28719738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourageousJS/pseuds/CourageousJS
Summary: Sequel to Mirrorball, we revisit life with the Frasers after their marriage and move to Lallybroch Farm.Jamie Fraser is propositioned by Lord John to take a job as a bodyguard for the infamous Geneva "G" Dunsany. Meanwhile Claire discovers a secret that could tear their family apart. Is the journey to wholeness a possibility? Read on for family, love, intrigue, devastation, angst and a smattering of smut in this fic.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp & Faith Fraser & Jamie Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Frank Randall, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser, Fergus Fraser/Jamie Fraser, Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Series: Mirrorball [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063250
Comments: 274
Kudos: 152





	1. Empty

“The house seems so empty without him.”

I admitted to Jamie, swallowing back the emotions welling up in me as we watched Frank’s dark car pull down the long drive of Lallybroch Farm in the January evening light. The twin brake lights looked like fiery embers at the end of the long gravel road leading up to the little farmhouse. 

“Aye, but it’s much needed. And he wasn’t too upset about going, we should take comfort in that, Sassypants. Means he’s not neglected.” 

_ Not neglected.  _

Those were the endearing words every mother felt more comfortable hearing, although it wasn’t nearly enough to ascertain my own comfort level with my son leaving me for his father’s every other weekend. 

Each time tore my heart out of my own chest and it was like watching part of me leave with him. Jame hugged me tightly, whispering in my ear. 

“It tears my heart out too, Claire. He’ll be back soon.” 

As he often did, Jamie’s words echoed my own thoughts on the matter. I turned to go further into the house and resumed cleaning the old butcher’s block counter in the small, fully stocked kitchen. It smelled strongly of coffee and cinnamon, I had just finished making muffins with Fergus for the week and Jamie almost always had a cup of black coffee brewing as he often stayed up late drilling or sanding down something that needed repair. 

Last week’s project was sealing the old oak floors of the farmhouse. This weekend I knew he was tackling the loose, ornately carved banner that twirled from the front foyer to the upstairs rooms. I had started in on the orange wallpaper from the 1970’s in what was going to be the empty room next to ours. Although we had both thrown out ideas of what to do with the small room, a library, a study nook for Fergus, a playroom… Jamie had found an old, pine cradle in the upper story of the barn that we wordlessly acknowledged as I brought it inside to fix up. It stood in the corner of the empty room as a silent hope for both of us, a symbol of new life of what could be. 

Tears filled my eyes and I swallowed against the growing lump in my throat. I had gone off my long term birth control months ago because of the nasty nausea that accompanied the pills. It was getting hard to work in the mornings without looking absolutely green in front of the newcomers as I was teaching them English. More than once, I had run out of the little classroom to throw up during Green Eggs and Ham. I remembered the look of mild surprise that had crossed Jamie’s blue eyes when I told him I was considering stopping the pills altogether. 

“It’s up to you, Claire. I don’t want you to suffer, I couldn’t bear it if you were. If it’s too much, just stop…. We’ll…. We’ll be more than fine, love.” 

His voice had grown thick with emotion and he cleared his throat and squeezed my small pale hand in his larger, calloused one, beat up from working day in and day out to make this home-  _ our _ home. 

As with any newlywed couple, Jamie and I had both an immeasurable amount of plans and nothing at all set in stone as to what our lives would look like post-marriage. It was a happy happenstance we fell into with as much passion and madness as two people could muster upon finding each other in the middle of great heartache. We clung to each other like lifeboats in the aimless sea, hellbent on tossing us up and spitting us out. 

Jamie was a wonderful prospect, I had gone from stolen glances and wondering what it must be like to grow up that beautiful to wrapping my arms around him in moments of anticipated, breathless love as we found peach in each other’s arms. 

To be married to him was a dream I hadn’t quite thought through til the ending. 

We cleaned the kitchen together and settled into our newly reupholstered sectional to watch an action movie Jamie had queued up. My thoughts wandered as I nestled my back into his chest with a cup of chamomile tea warming my hands. 

It was an odd position we found ourselves in, to be married and with a child, one not of our marriage. Jamie had grown to be so much of a dad to Fergus that my boy called him “Da” and yet… every other weekend was a sharp reminder to us both that our house felt oddly empty without him around. 

Suddenly, I felt a twinge around my middle and a familiar pain start deep within me. 

“Fuck.” I said softly, under my breath. 

“Claire?” 

My heart beat quickly as I raced to the bathroom to find out what I already knew in my heart. I was surprised and angry at how the tears quickly welled up in my eyes as the red spot in front of me blurred in my vision. A Rorschach blot of disappointment. 

I was more than eight days late, something I had rightly attributed to being worked to the bone. But I still hoped. A twinge of longing had secretly wound around my heart with each passing day. We weren’t trying but we weren’t actively  _ not  _ trying, either. 

It had taken months to conceive Fergus even though I had him at the age of twenty-three. Our doctor said not to worry but Frank’s reluctance at being tested for infertility made me wonder if he knew something I did not. 

_ Stop. It’s not the right time, anyway. _

I had been a mother long enough to know that there was never a "right" time to make such a life-altering decision. There would always be excuses I could use to assuage the disappointment in my heart, we were honestly in a good a spot as any to welcome a new life. 

“Hey babe, you alright?” Jamie called from the couch in my living room. Our movie still paused, I could hear him rusting around in the bowl of popcorn we had made, completely unaware of what had occurred. 

“Yeah, I’ll be right out.”: 

I sniffed, reached for the box of tampons under my sink and sighed. 

_ Someday.  _

But for now, the cradle lay empty. 


	2. A Proposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dougal has a proposal for Jamie meanwhile, Claire's PTSD finds comfort in shared trauma.

Acrid crimson lit up the night sky like a sickening firework as another bomb went off a block away, the ground shook with the familiar crack and rumble of a car being thrown. Jamie’s heart raced as his mind jumbled into oblivion. Survival kicked in as he ran into the night, the hollow knocking of his own boots on the sidewalk was the only sound he heard past the ringing in his ears.

Suddenly, he was blown backwards with another explosion, his body landing with a horrible thud against the curb where some rough patches of grass used to be. He was vaguely aware of a child’s blue bicycle mangled in the flames in front of his eyes. Squeezing out the sight, he gasped awake and panting. 

It took a moment to register that he was home. The familiar blue-green quilt around him, the soft pillows underneath his neck, bunched up in an unconscious fight in his struggle to awareness. Sweat lay heavily upon his chest and the cold clammy feeling of dread that was all-too familiar had set in around his lungs like a water-logged sponge, soaking in the reality of the nightmare. 

_ Claire. _

His hand reached to the side of the bed by the double windows, but she was gone. Jamie saw the faint yellow glow of light coming from the downstairs kitchen in the stairwell and swept his bare feet out of bed to go investigate. 

She sat at the small, white kitchen table, picking away at her laptop, the blue glow of the screen illuminating her tired features. Her whiskey eyes darted up past her cat-eye reading glasses as she noticed his presence. 

“Did I wake you?” 

Jamie shook his head, planting a firm kiss on her brunette curls, still disheveled from the early hour. The clock on the stove blinked 3:49 in a green haze above the burners. 

“Nightmare. Are you okay, love?” 

Claire sighed and leaned back in the old rocking chair she sometimes used as a desk chair. Their furniture was a wonderful mismatch of styles and hand-me-downs from their combined flats. 

“I will be. Had a nightmare, too. I’m writing it all down in an email for my therapist when I go next week. They said to document any PTSD I was still having.” 

Jamie’s hand reached out across the small, round table. His rough fingers found hers and silently caressed the edges of her hand. His thumb rested on her wedding band and thoughtfully, he rubbed the metal back and forth under his finger. Claire cleared her throat, Jamie looked intently at her face and saw a tear fall onto the keyboard with an almost-inaudible tap. 

He picked up her hand and brought it to his lips to kiss lightly. Her hand was slightly wet with tears she had been wiping away. 

“It’s in the past,  Mo Nighean Donn.” Jamie said softly, his square jaw softening with emotion as he looked at her holding back a sob. 

Jamie had often called her, “my brown-haired lass”, but mostly in times of her utter despair and grief. The words had grown to mean more to Claire than just a term of endearment, they said “I know” and “I bear this with you”. 

Wordlessly, Claire got up and pushed her computer away for a second. Slipping in between him and the table, she nestled herself on his lap and rested her head on his wide chest. She listened to the thump of his heartbeat and the sound calmed her body and soul. The hub of life in his chest was a testament to their being in the here and now, not in the past with her demons. 

Jamie loved how she fit so perfectly there in one arm and he lightly brushed her brown curls away off her face as she held on for dear life. After a few moments, she spoke. 

“Does it ever get better?” 

Her voice was a yearning question in the darkness. 

“Sometimes I think it does and then I have another dream and I’m right back there. Staring at that damn teapot, feeling his hands on me again.” 

Jamie lifted her chin with two fingers and kissed her quiet to stop the rest of the flashback from occurring. 

“It does. Maybe not at first, and I’m one to talk. I still have nights where I wake up just to wander. Sometimes I even go to the barn and ye never awake to hear it, Sassypants.” 

  
  


“Really?” Claire sat up stiffy and looked into his face, her brown eyes searching the depths of his blue ones. 

“Aye.” Jamie continued. “But ye find it gets easier. One day it won’t hurt as much and ye find ye come back to yourself quicker than before.” 

“And when I can’t come back to myself?” Claire’s eyes filled with tears again. 

“Then,” Jamie paused a moment, his deep eyes hooded in thought. “Then, I’ll come find you. Always.” 

He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. 

“You’ll always have me to come back to.” 

His voice was thick with the promise of a man who knew what it was to suffer. It was a promise she knew he would keep. Hell or highwater, when James Fraser made a promise, it meant something. 

  
  


……………………………………………………………………………………….

“Fraser, a word.” 

The request was barked at him from across the quad. James Fraser was used to sticking out like a sore thumb during weekend training but today he felt even moreso. All the new recruits were jumpy in fear of the boulder of a man who made his way across the space to stand in front of Jamie. All eyes were on them before quickly snapping back to the work at hand of the fifty mandatory pushups all the new recruits had to do in a five minute time frame. 

Jamie felt a trickle of sweat fall from his auburn curls, now frizzy and humid from the morning’s work. 

Dougal Mackenzie, Jamie’s former general was looming over him, his bald head shining and his brow furrowed. Even after all these years, Jamie had forgotten the intense feelings of dread that rose in his chest around this man. He wondered if he was in some kind of trouble.

Everyone knew there was trouble and then there was  _ trouble _ with General D. Mack. The latter no one wanted to experience on this earthly realm. In fact, it had only been spoken of in hushed whispers in the barracks when he and Ian were in bootcamp together. 

Walking out the metal double doors, Jamie followed Dougal into the quiet hallway. 

“What are you doing with your life, Fraser?” 

The question caught Jamie off guard, the younger man blinked and stammered. 

“Hypothetically…. Or literally?” He chuckled nervously. 

Dougal didn’t laugh, his mouth a firm line of immovable mirthlessness. 

“Oh, um… print shop work for my brother-in-law, mostly….” 

“And do you like it there?” 

Dougal’s direct rebuttals put Jamie on edge and suddenly he felt the need to match the older man’s intensity. Drawing himself up to his full height he tried not to look so out of breath and full of perspiration. 

“Aye, it’s well enough. It’s ‘no bad and Ian works with me when I found it hard to work with my post-traumatic stress…” 

Dougal raised a bushy, gray eyebrow at him. 

“What would you say to a job proposal that would double that salary….. Even triple it? Would work with your PTSD as well…. Might even enhance the job prospects……”

Dougal was being exceedingly vague about this new proposition and Jamie automatically cocked his head to the right to look at him better. In spite of himself, Dougal’s right hand twitched on the sleeve of his black coat and Jamie saw the tell. 

The unformidable D. Mack was scared of something. 

Scared and propositioning it to Jamie like candy-coated cyanide. 

“As ye well know, I’ve got a wife and a child of my own to raise, I cannae-” Jamie was interrupted. 

“Then you’d do them a disservice not to consider.” 

Dougal reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a thin, vanilla colored business card with thin, black print on the front. He slipped the hard rectangular paper into Jamie’s open hand and nodded at him sternly. 

“I have personally made you a recommendation, Fraser. Top security clearance, full benefits, your wife and child would want for nothing ever again. Think it over. Call, if you’re so inclined. They’ll be waiting to hear from you.” 

Jamie’s hand turned the card over several times as Dougal walked away down the hall again to yell something into an unsuspecting private’s face. His keen blue eyes surveyed the card he held with curiosity and dread. 

Lord John Gray Enterprises

Helwater Estate, Boston

On the back of the card in very fine print along the bottom, Jamie read. 

_The security you want, the clearance you need_

  
  
  



	3. A Good Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire has a therapy session and we learn more of John Gray from the Murrays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to D. Arrellano, my work wife and also my casual therapist. Love ya, girl. ;)

“How do I  _ feel _ ?” I blinked as I sat in my half-moon backed brown desk chair, zoom calling my psychiatrist, Dr. Arrellano. 

“Loaded question I know, but overall Claire, how are you feeling these days?” Dr. Arrellano’s voice was kind as she laughed mildly, her Spanish accent giving her words extra life. “Are the antidepressants working alright or are you still having those nightmares?” 

I bit my cheek before responding but then decided to be vocal and brutally honest with her. 

“I had a dream about the teapot again.” 

“The teapot,” The Dr. looked over her notes quickly but I could tell it hadn’t left her mind. “The one that you stared-” 

“Stared at during the assault, yes.” I said abruptly, cutting to the chase. 

There was no need to be delicate. Not after all I had talked about with her before. 

“It’s been years, but I hate the control that day has on me still. I feel like... like one small move and I’m right back there. Powerless. Unable to move or control myself. Sometimes-” My voice wavered. “Sometimes, I still feel him on top of me. Pinning me down. I can’t breathe.” 

Dr. Arrellano took a pensive moment to bite the tip of her pen before jotting down more notes in her book. 

“Okay… now, and I know this is hard to think about, but does anything in particular happen that triggers these dreams? Anything throughout the day that just doesn’t feel right?” 

I stared out the window absentmindedly, my fingers dug into the wooden edge of my computer desk and I recalled details as if seen through a fog. I had lived in a state of frozen development for so long after the abuse that I had forgotten what it meant to live without the constant stress of recovery. 

“Not really… pictures….smells….sometimes… touch…” 

“Touch? Anyone who’s endured any kind of assault will tell you it’s perfectly understandable to go through moments, days even, where you just don’t want to be touched. Now, how is all this playing into your marriage? Do you think it affects your daily life?” 

_ Damn, shoot to kill, Lady.  _

“I-” I stammered a little, “I definitely think it changes things sometimes. The other day…” 

I blushed, even through all I had told her, it still felt intimate… sacred almost to talk of my actual good relationship with Jamie. 

“He was on top of me. In bed. I saw … I saw Frank’s face…. Just for a split second but I started shaking and well-” I threw my hands up on the video call. “That definitely ended things right there.” 

The doctor’s brown eyes weren’t surprised, she nodded her head and silently took down another note. 

“ Now I remember we talked about this at the beginning of our sessions together. Do you still have feelings of guilt, Claire?” 

I swallowed hard against the prickle of my nose, a sure sign that tears would soon follow the uncomfortable sensation. 

“I shouldn’t, I know but- I think all this, all this stupid, fucking PTSD… it’s like some cosmic retribution for …. I don’t know what.” 

Dr. Arrellano shifted in her seat on my computer screen and tilted her head at me. For some reason, her deep eyes were like a truth serum and I couldn’t hold back the words that came tumbling out of my mouth. 

“Yes. I do know what. I feel like I’m being punished for cheating on him. On Frank. With Jamie. I know it sounds fucked up but what if it’s true!” 

Dr. Arrellano put down her black notebook and sighed, her eyes were twinkling and kind as she smiled at me. 

“Claire. It’s not true. I can reassure you that all this is perfectly normal to feel, after escaping an abusive relationship you’re going to feel the effects of the emotional, psychological and … yes, even physical abuse you were left with.” Her words were full of meaning as she went on, “now, I do not want you feeling guilty over your affair. It was considerably more than just a fling if you’ve been with him for four years and he is your husband now. Any doubt you ever had about that relationship can be put to rest. I think you’ve proved to yourself this is no rebound.” 

I sniffed hard and wiped away my running nose on my long, pink cardigan sleeve. 

“The fact that you two are still together speaks volumes about your mindset and from what you’ve told me, you two have created a very healthy relationship in spite of it all. In order to embrace what you have now, sometimes it’s okay to let go. The only thing you need to forgive yourself for is for finding comfort in a time when you were abused, Claire. You do not need to feel guilt over finding a good man.” 

Her words cut deeply within me and I nodded and grabbed a handful of tissues from my desk. Before we moved to remote meetings, I had gone through absolute boxes of the buggers while sitting in her office. Dr. Arrellano had seen me ugly cry and hiccup at the same time, our professional relationship was very close after all these years. 

“Now, I’m going to teach you some mindfulness techniques that will help with the flashbacks, feel free to share them with your husband if you wish maybe he can help you with them…..” 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

I turned the small vanilla business card over in my hands and gave it back to Jamie. 

“Helwater? Sounds horrific. And you said Dougal himself seemed scared?” 

“Aye, afraid as a wee lad we know when we turn out the lights.” Jamie called over his shoulder jokingly. 

“Hey!” Fergus let out a loud and sassy retort from his room, “I heard that and no, I am not afraid of the dark. I have a  _ nightlight _ !” 

I chuckled but saw the serious nature of the proposition Jamie had shared with me as I got dinner ready. 

“Do you know anything of the man, this John Gray?” I raised an eyebrow in his general direction as I set the table. 

Jamie reached for the thick blue dinner plates in the high cupboard, “Well, no much. If my memory serves me correctly, it was Ian who mentioned him years ago. I’ll ask.” 

“You really think Dougal was serious about it being an actual prospect, not just some shady side gig?” I said pointedly. 

I didn’t know much about Dougal himself, but the pay comment seemed too good to be true. 

“Aye. I dinna think he’d joke about that, not with the look on his face.” 

Just then the doorbell rang out loud and clear in the hall. 

“I’ll get it!” Fergus rushed to the door in a mad dash of red hoodie and brown curls. He soon returned with all four of the Murrays in tow. 

Jamie’s sister, Jenny, burst into the room and our quiet with her trumpet of a voice. Her round face and blue cat-like eyes, identical to Jamie’s, lit up when she saw her brother and she scooped him into a hug around the waist due to her short stature. 

“Ye’ve done the place well, that’s what I told Ian didn’t I?” She didn’t stop to hear his answer. “A right turn-about this one has, the place is looking spectacular. How are ye, Claire? Fit as ever I see.” 

Jenny turned me around and squeezed the air out of my lungs before passing wee Maggie off to me to give her shoulder a break. 

Maggie’s blonde wisps of hair looked exactly like Ian’s, the man who was struggling to set the two diaper bags and kitchen full of toddler cups and bottles down. I had been yearning to ask the man if he’d had a decent night’s sleep in the past three years but I didn’t have the heart to. Ian looked tired, but more than happy to be at Jenny’s beck and call with the little ones in tow. 

Young Jamie and Fergus ran into his bedroom and closed the door to trade Pokémon like it was the black market and I was only too-happy to squish Maggie and make faces for her, counting her perfectly pudge ten toes and fingers much to her delight as she showed me a drooling, dimpled smile. Her hair was dark and thick and straight like her mama and the Fraser blue eyes shone brightly in her head like two baby sapphires. 

Long after we had to cajole the boys out of the room for a dinner of stew and roasted vegetables with mashed potatoes, the parents gathered around the table and Jamie passed the small, ivory card around to Ian. 

Ian’s thin face lit up in curiosity as he took the small piece of paper in hand and squinted to read the back and front. 

“LORD John Gray now, is it? Well I see he has made himself a name after all, huh.” 

“What do you know about him?” I scooted forward in my seat and looked at Ian’s face intently, he blinked up at me with his gray eyes clouded. 

“Oh, he’s a good fellow right enough, but ….a little….out there.” Ian winked at Jamie. “Yeah, I met him at a party in college, one of those business mingling business events with recent grads. John was in the field of …. security … last I heard.” 

Ian was taking so many forced pauses as he chose his words I bristled. Why didn’t he just come out with it and tell us about the man? 

“Security? Aye that’s what I got from the gist of it. Makes sense they’d hire ex-military to do their bidding, what kind of security are we talking here, brother?” Jamie leaned forwards as well, his hand instinctively finding mine under the table and holding it on his knee. 

“Personal security. Bodyguards and the like, I remember he was vague about it when he was starting out but seeing as he’s a lord now… I can only imagine it went well for him.” 

My heart lurched at the thought of Jamie in any kind of danger again, it was bad enough he was in the reserves but to be in active fire or any dangerous situation…. 

“And how safe is this venture, mind?” Jenny flitted the muslin blanket she had covering Maggie’s sleeping form on her chest. “Ye’ll no be rushing back to the front lines, brother. Not with a wife and child to think of.” 

_ God bless Jenny. _

“Worth a call,” Ian nodded, giving the card back to Jamie. “John was into collections if I remember correctly, I doubt it would be anything too serious. Most likely he’s looking for some kind of travel security for some kind of art piece.” 

Ian and Jamie exchanged a look and Jamie slipped the card back into his jean pocket. 

“More wood? It’s getting cold out there, we could use another fire tonight.” Jamie abruptly changed the subject and nodded at Ian, who also rose. 

“Thick as thieves from cradle to grave, that’s how it is.” Jenny whispered into my ear as the men left the room. 

“I got that, too. I know Jamie will tell me eventually, but I do wish he’d be careful. I can’t stand it if he’d be in any kind of danger. I know with the pay increase it’s probably a given, but still…we can manage just fine with the shop.” 

“Aye, well the shop will always be there. It’ll be Murray and Sons someday I expect.” Jenny chuckled in a low voice. “At least if wee Jamie decides to grow up. I always knew Jamie was meant for greater things, ye ken? He had one of the highest IQ’s in his whole year at primary.” 

“Doesn’t surprise me,” I said tightly, the amount of sheer cerebral intelligence was astounding and the speed at which his mind worked was one of my favorite qualities about my husband. 

Mostly, he used it for conversation and jokes that were two-steps ahead of whomever he was talking to. Instead, Jamie chose to do grunt work with his large frame, I always wondered if it was to drown out the memories of Iraq, what little he had shared with me over the years took my breath away at the sheer atrocity of what he had witnessed. 

Maybe it was time he pursued another line of work. 

The kitchen door banged open and the two men bustled in, Jamie’s form cutting clean against the dark sky behind him, a winter gust of air ushering them both into the warmth. 

“Snow’s coming soon, we better head back, Jen.” Ian urged, shaking his head at the sudden change of temperature. 

“Sad to be leaving ye, Claire. Visit us sometime, eh?” 

I nodded and hugged her goodbye. 

…………………………………………………………………………….

Fergus’s snoring carried down the long hallway from his room to ours. I sat on the edge of our bed, rubbing lotion into my hands and lost in pensive thought. 

“Now I’ve seen that look before, my love. Ye know ye can always speak yer mind around me.” 

I smirked, “Wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise and you “ken” it.” 

Jamie smiled in return, he tossed his phone onto the bed and rolled his side of the quilt back to hunker down next to me. 

“I know it’s intriguing but I don’t know if I trust it, Jamie.” 

His large frame sprawled out and he rubbed a hand over his face before answering, a single auburn curl fell into his eye and it reminded me that he desperately needed a haircut. 

His square jaw worked as the wheels in his head turned almost visibly. 

“Aye, I don’t think I trust it yet either, but if Ian said he was on the up and up, I’ll give a call just to see.” 

“Money doesn’t impress me, Jamie. I’d rather have you.” I objected, cutting to the point. 

He must have found my own fears endearing and I mentally cursed his casual attitude towards it all. 

“I’ll call,” Jamie continued pointedly, “and then we’ll talk it over, alright? I’m not about to do anything ye wouldn’t be comfortable with, alright? Sassypants-” 

He used his pet name for me as I rolled over to turn off the himalayan salt lamp casting it’s amber glow around the room on my side of the bed. It was a sure sign I was headed for sleep and didn’t want to continue the conversation. 

I was quiet for a full minute before I lost out on my need to have the last word. 

“Besides, my pants are NOT sassy, I’m just concerned, Jamie.” 

“Aye, because you’re not wearing any.” Jamie chuckled, brushing my shoulder with his fingers. 

In spite of myself I smiled, I wore one of his old shirts to bed and, pulling the covers back, backed up into him with the said backside planted firmly against his leg. 

Jamie turned to his side quickly and pulled me into him, his warm breath tickling my neck sending shivers down my spine. 

“I ken you’re concerned, Claire. And I love you for it. But I want you to trust me, can you do that?” 

My bristled air disappeared as I heard the familiar echo of solemn tones in his voice. 

“Do you trust me, Claire?” 

I turned my head and kissed him softly, my head resting on his rock of a shoulder. 

“Yes. Always.” 

Jamie smiled into our kiss as he leaned forward and his hand ran down the covers, along my tailbone and to my wide hips. In one move, he pressed me to him and planted a gentle kiss on my neck where the curve of my shoulder started. 

“Claire?” 

I turned and in the darkness I could still see his face, his dark, cat-like eyes looked almost black in the dim light of the moon behind the double window across from us. 

“Do ye want to try again?” His voice was low and full of the need to be close to me in a way I understood. 

I nodded slowly, breathing in deeply. I closed my eyes and let his hand envelope the side of my face, cradling my neck as he kissed me softly and deeply. I exhaled into him slowly, allowing my own physical senses to relax. 

In our four months of marriage, I was always struck with how little it took to make me want my husband. Even after all these years together, I still yearned for him as much as when we first met and our simple exchanges and looks would electrify my soul. 

I took his wide hand in mine and placed it on my chest. My stomach flipped at the sound of him exhaling softly as his fingers tenderly brushed the small area in between my breasts. 

“Come find me, Jamie. Find us.” 

I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried my best to show him how dear he was to me in the oldest way known to womankind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited for revealing more of this story as we come to the next few chapters! Thank you so much for the kind comments and for reading, as always.   
>  I write by emotion purely, anything can come into my head and create a scenario, a scene, a character story. In Mirrorball, I had mulled over the prequel to this story for months before attempting to write it all down. Lallybroch comes as a sequel to that same writing, I know the climax of the story but I have no idea how it will get there and I make many discoveries while writing as well.   
>  It is interesting for me to be writing Jamie and Claire as modern characters, also actors, also as very different, intelligent people who have shared trauma. "Come find me, Jamie" shows that no matter the scenario, no matter the universe, these characters always find each other. True love knows no bounds and that thought is, I think, incredibly romantic.


	4. Helwater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally meet Lord John Gray and Jamie learns of his new work prospect

The phone rang three times in Jamie’s ear before being abruptly picked up by a smooth voice on the other end. 

“James Fraser. How are you doing today, sir?” 

Slightly taken aback, Jamie had planned out what he was going to say but did not count on being recognized before he could introduce himself. 

“Ah… well, well, and yerself? Um… to whom do I have the pleasure of speakin to?” 

He closed his eyes, not only did his accent sound thicker than usual but he came across as a blathering idiot. 

“Lord John Gray, at your service. But you can call me Lord John or just John if you prefer.” The voice was not unkind and Jamie heard a glimmer of a smile on the man’s tone. “I have to say, James, I am so very glad you decided to reach out to me. I told Dougal I needed a particular man for a specific job and he recommended you with only the highest of recommendations.” 

“Oh did he? Well, I’m much obliged to him. And it’s Jamie by the way, not James.” Jamie opened an eye, the man’s tone suggested he was friendly but he still wasn’t entirely sure how to treat this mysterious employer. 

“Ah, sorry. Yes, Jamie. So I’m assuming you have a lot of questions, I would too if I were in your shoes. Fancy a chat, we could get together over a coffee… whiskey if you prefer… how does this Wednesday sound? One o’clock? I imagine your brother-in-law would be happy to spare you for an afternoon at the shop.” 

Jamie’s mouth fell open and he squirmed uncomfortably in his raglan tee as he sat at his desk at the print shop in question. How did this man know so much about him? 

  
  


“Wednesday sounds fine.” 

“Great! I’ll send a car.” Lord John hung up shortly after with no explanation or question as to where to even send a car. 

Jamie got the hint that he didn’t need to ask. 

………………………………………………………………………..

“Sassypants, wake up.” Jamie’s voice broke into my languid dream as I lay in our bed at a mere 7:30 on Tuesday evening. 

“Didn’t know I had nodded off, is Fergus okay?” I blinked. 

“Aye, he’s in the tub right now. Told him fifteen minutes before books and bed.” 

I nodded and yawned, “Sorry, I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.” 

“I noticed,” Jamie blinked at me, his eyes twinkling. “Didn’t want to wake you but you seemed so peaceful. I need your help on how to dress tomorrow.” 

Jamie held out two different shirts to me. 

“Pants?” I asked. 

“Arseless chaps.” 

I laughed in spite of myself. He was incorrigible. 

“Serious, now.” 

“Fine,” He rolled his bright blue eyes in mock exasperation. “Khaki slacks or dark jeans.” 

“Slacks and that one,” I pointed to the navy button down and sweater combo he held in his left hand. 

Jamie walked back into the closet and I called out after him, “wear the brown shoes, not your black ones for God’s sake!” 

Jamie knew my pet peeve of him wearing black and blue together, I found it endearing he deferred to my input on style as I had years of experience in the modeling industry as a young woman before Fergus came along. 

“Aye, I hear you.” He retorted, mildly entertained at my displeasure of his color combination skills. 

I yawned again, for some reason I felt weak and exhausted all at once although the day’s work was no more stressful than normal. I had a few new students but nothing out of the ordinary as far as work went. The morning drive from Lallybroch Farm was more than my previous commute of ten minutes from my old flat, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I liked living outside the noise and bustle of the city. Our quiet farm was a solace in the madness of 21st century life. Sometimes, I even enjoyed the lack of cell signal we received in our little abode. 

“I might call in tomorrow,” I yawned again, tears filling my eyes from the pressure to stay awake. 

“You feeling alright, love?” Jamie popped his head out of the closet to look at me nervously. 

I nodded sleepily. 

“Yeah… just beat. Maybe I’m fighting off something.” 

“You sure you want me to still go? I can call off-” Jamie walked over to the bed and sat down on our green paisley quilt. 

“No!” I said quickly. “I love you, you’re sweet. But no, you’ll just worry over nothing, hun. You go to your meeting and tell me all about it when you’re back.” 

If I was honest, I enjoyed his attention but I wanted nothing more than to have an afternoon to myself when Fergus was at school. Catching up on my BBC shows sounded amazing, as did having the whole place to myself in the silence of the Massachusetts winter. Maybe I could even finish that book I started last year… 

“I appreciate the support, babe.” Jamie leaned over and kissed my forehead. “But if you’re feeling worse, call me and I’ll come right home, ok?” 

“Will do.” I gave a little salute weakly and mustered up some strength to swing my feet over the side of the bed and trod into the bathroom to wash up for the night. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

  
  


“Ye don’t speak much, I gather.” Jamie retorted to the silent driver of the unmarked black sedan that pulled up to the print shop and said one sentence. 

“James Fraser? Sir John Gray told me to expect you.” His voice was as blank and dark as the suit he was wearing. 

Jamie felt woefully underdressed but he needn’t have felt so self-conscious. A half an hour car ride later brought the estate of Helwater into view out the tinted windows of the vehicle. 

A large, brown and gray-stoned manor house sprawled prominently against a background of pine woods that surrounded the long drive into the little valley. Built in the late 1700’s, the estate must have been easily 300 acres of meticulously kept farmland and surrounding gardens. 

“If this is someone’s house, perhaps they’ve the wrong man for the job.” Jamie remarked, looking down at his simple clothing. Brown with blue, Claire would have approved. 

Thinking of her, Jamie felt a twinge of guilt in leaving her home alone. She was looking peaked as he left that morning, stirring her coffee thoughtfully at the table. 

The car pulled up roughly to the grand estate, the esteemed double oak doors opened inwards and a lanky man stepped forward into the daylight. 

Jamie felt suddenly more at ease. 

Lord John Gray couldn’t have been more than twenty-eight himself. He was a thin, fit man with an athletic frame and delicate almost-feminine features. His blue eyes were framed by long, dark lashes and his angular jaw was delicately carved. At some point in the Renaissance, he must have been the model gentleman. 

He was wearing a white shirt tucked into a pair of dark wash jeans and sockless boat shoes made up the polished, yet-relaxed ensemble. The man reached out a thoughtfully manicured hand to shake Jamie’s rough one. 

“James Fraser, nice to finally meet you. I'm Lord John Gray. Thank you so very much for making the trek to Helwater.” 

Jamie nodded curtly to the man and noticed their handshake lingered a bit longer on his prospective employer’s side as the man surveyed him closely. 

“Each afternoon I like to do a round in the garden before having tea. Won’t you join me?” 

Jamie didn’t know where to put his hands but nodded, “Aye, thank you for having me.” 

He wasn’t entirely sure it was going to be a pleasure to meet, so he didn’t return the nicety. 

The bright white gravel crunched under the men’s feet as they strolled around the side of the mansion to a well-lit hedge garden full of white Grecian statues staring out at the large water-feature in the center of the maze of box hedges. Jamie marveled that the fountain was still very much operational in spite of the cold. Lord John set a fast pace that kept him warm in spite of him only wearing a thin jacket. 

Jamie didn’t know what to say and Lord John certainly took his time, breathing in and out deeply, looking up and around at the statues and hedgerows through perfectly round, shaded glasses. This was certainly a daily ritual that was followed no matter the weather and Jamie surveyed the ongoing brisk stroll with hidden pleasure. This would be an anecdote for Claire later. 

“At the risk of sounding incredibly forward, I’ll begin by saying I need a man.” Lord John’s blue eyes twinkled merrily at Jamie as they rounded the curve of the house and took the steps back inside the giant structure. 

“A man for….?” Jamie rightfully questioned. 

“A specific job.” Lord John was not put-off by Jamie’s directness but instead bowed cheerfully before him and ushered him past an intricate black and white marble foyer and down an oak paneled hall to a quiet, dark green study beyond. Books lined the walls with all kinds of bindings, some old, some new, some very, very ancient. 

“Tea?” Lord John gestured to the piping hot blue and white china teapot on the large cherry wood desk in the center of the room. 

Jamie shook his head and took a seat in one of the large armchairs near it, Lord John took the other. 

“Ah, I forget myself. Of course you don’t drink tea. Something stronger?” 

Lord John’s nimble fingers picked up a carafe and splashed out an exact shot of honey brown liquid into one of the teacups. Handing it to Jamie, he poured a little into his own before adding some kind of herbal tea from the large pot. 

“Slainte.” Lord John politely cocked his head and held up his cup. 

Jamie thought for a second and then took a sip of the best aged whiskey he’d ever had. 

“Single malt. Straight from Scotland, but then again you’d know that.” Lord John smiled slyly. 

Jamie paused a moment and casually looked around the room for bugs. There had to be some. Curtains maybe? He felt as though all eyes were on him even though only Lord John was present. 

“Ye’ll forgive me for asking, sir. But this all seems odd to me, what exactly did Dougal recommend me for here?” 

Lord John looked pensively at him, his expression became instantly veiled. 

“Security of course. I was told you were exceptionally good at keeping secrets and well, there is one er… secret, I’m keen on keeping.” 

“Security? For a secret? If you’ll beg pardon, but why not get the actual professionals involved if it’s that important to you?” 

Lord John’s eyes widened, “Oh dear God no. I know I’ve money to spare, but I need someone not openly associated with the police. No. I need a man of worth. Someone who is a mighty fine actor….” 

Jamie snorted softly, “And I suppose Dougal told you of me, is it?” 

“He did. I have to say I’m impressed by your repertoire. Especially your work in Basra.” 

Jamie blinked. 

“Basra, but-” 

“Don’t worry,” Lord John laughed. “Your secret is safe with me. But to this individual that I need security on? Well, they may not be so tight-lipped about your past as an agent.” 

Jamie bristled as this man lay bare what he had kept hidden from even Claire for years. 

“And so ye want me to babysit some little psychopath?” 

Lord John opened his hands and held them up, “Well, if you put it that way, yes. See, I’m a collector of all things interesting, Mr. Fraser. This person is very interesting to me for a number of reasons. I should like her collected very much. In fact, it’s essential I lock her down before a certain government agency gets involved. She knows too much about things I’d like to keep quiet.” 

“Look,” Jamie’s voice hissed out angrily, “I left all that life behind me in Iraq, if you think I’m about to get involved with this person, especially if the FBI is interested…. Well-” 

“You bought part of my family’s estate recently.” Lord John’s eyes remain unmoved at his outburst. 

“What? Lallybroch? No….” 

“ Let's call it by it's actual name, Broch Tuarach. Northern facing tower. It’s a pretty penny, but what if I repay it all back to you and give you, oh….enough to care for it all each month for as long as it remains in your family.” 

“Live there for free? Surely-” 

“I’m a man of my word, Fraser. Lallybroch is yours forever with enough left over to leave your family taken care of for life.” 

“I’ll have to see it drawn up-” 

“Done. I’ll have my lawyer draft the contract tomorrow.” Lord John smiled. 

Jamie stammered, the weight of this offer nearly crushing him with its implications. 

“By… collecting, ye mean… _dispatched_?” He said carefully. 

“Oh dear God no,” Lord John recoiled in disgust. “Collected as in kept. Watched. I need you as my eyes and ears to retain a certain file on someone. I need you to get close enough to this person to steal this information back before it falls into the wrong hands. Find their library, steal the file. Job done.” 

Lord John neatly cracked his thin, white knuckles in the silence between them. 

“I’m sorry but this all sounds too good to be true,” Jamie blinked, unable to process it all so quickly. Where was the catch? He would have to do some digging on this Lord John and find out if what he said about Broch Tuarach was even correct. 

“One month’s work,” Lord John took out a white notepad and scribbled a figure on it before passing it over to Jamie, “in advance. Discuss it with your wife, of course, in vague terms if need be. But I promise you’ll be protected at all times.” 

Jamie’s mouth fell open in spite of himself at the figure presented to him. He knew that all that was shiny was not gold, however this could be a real opportunity. His heart thrilled with the idea of getting back into this particular field of security. 

He had no idea how to tell Claire. What would she do when she found out he wasn’t only deployed in Iraq but was special forces as well? Even Ian didn’t know… until today, Jamie wasn't even sure that Dougal had known. Why had he released such information to a civilian such as Lord John? 

And what would Claire think of him being a bodyguard to someone apparently so dangerous they could be considered a national security threat...

“And the individual I’d be assigned to?” 

Lord John smirked in an ironic grin, Jamie could tell he was annoyed at even saying the name. 

“Geneva. Geneva Dunsany. Her file will be sent to you just as soon as you let me know if you accept the offer presented to you today. Time is of the essence here, Mister Fraser." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nervous about this one because it's a lot for me ;) but I'm excited to see where this goes. I purposefully left most of Jamie's experience in Iraq unexplored in the last fic (Mirrorball) in typical Jamie fashion, I can totally see him wanting to protect Claire from potential danger in his past by never telling her the details. Soon we shall know more!   
> Also writing note, considering Jamie lived in Scotland much less than his older sister, he goes in and out of the accent a bit. In my mind he has a soft brogue which is exemplified when he is full of emotion or nerves. Character quirk. I think the amazing offer of paying no mortgage or utilities on a renovation project would be too appealing for any young homeowner to pass up. Boston isn't cheap! From a practical outlook, the offer made sense. Bribery, yes? But unable to pass up....? Also yes. Jamie is certainly going to be put to the test in this fic.


	5. Blue Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments, I don't always get to reply to them all but I so appreciate each and every one showing how this story has touched you. xx

_ How lucky I am to have something to miss so much.  _

I had heard the quote somewhere before but couldn’t place it, still, it fit. My love and affection for Jamie had not dwindled, not from our first meeting to now, all these years later. I smiled to myself as I lay on the couch, thinking of the first time I admitted to him what I’d actually been thinking when we met on that stage for the read-through. 

“You thought what?” Jamie laughed loudly, his nose wrinkled in delight. I loved that detail about him when he was truly amused. 

“I wanted to climb you like a tree.” I giggled, hiding my face in the blankets of our bed. “Come on! You can’t say you didn’t have totally inappropriate thoughts when we first saw each other.” 

Jamie blushed, even after all these years I still found it endearing that he held to chaste standards before we met. A red flush crept up from his white tee shirt collar and grew to his eyebrows, raised in self-admission. 

“Well,” he bit his lip and I stared openly at his mouth, his lips were pink and soft in the warm yellow light of the bedside lamp. “I thought you had the roundest arse I’d ever seen and I’d like very much to take a bite out of it.” 

I squinched my eyes together and laughed hard, Jamie’s hand went to cover my mouth so Fergus wouldn’t wake. We had spent another late night just talking to each other in bed a month after our wedding. 

I bit his fingers playfully and he drew his hand back in mock surprise. 

“Careful, Sassypants. Or I really will.” His voice was low and the gruff tone of it set my heart to flopping around in my chest. 

He playfully bit the base of my neck as he cuddled me from behind and watched in delight as goosebumps spread down my arm, his strong one wrapped around my waist pulling me closer. 

“Bite my ass?” I chuckled, but my laugh died on my lips when I turned my head to look at him fully. 

His blue eyes were dark and solemn with lust and I knew I was a goner. 

“I do love you, Claire.” He said in a hushed tone. 

“I love you too.” I said surely. 

“Does it ever stop,.” his hand traced my lips before he brought his mouth close to mine and hovered teasingly above them, “the wanting you?” 

“No,” I answered, “for me, it’s always you. Always will be you.” 

“Forever and ever, babe.” 

Jamie’s response turned into an exhale and a small moan as I kissed him deeply. I sank into his lips and didn’t want it to end. A small lightning bolt raced from our mouths, down my whole body to focus on excitement in my lower half as Jamie’s hands tentatively explored my inner thigh up my nightgown. 

We couldn’t get enough of each other and although we were intimate nearly every other night since our marriage, we still hadn’t done some things together. 

“Wait.” I said simply, gently pushing his hand back and turning over to lean on top of him. 

He looked at me questioningly, his almost-blonde eyebrows met in confusion at first. I kissed his earlobe and whispered in a low voice. 

“I want to watch you.” 

He sucked in his breath and smiled as I playfully bit his chest and slid down his torso, kissing gently every few inches lower and lower. 

I felt like a goddess as I watched him writhe in ecstasy. 

…………………………………………………………………………….

Late February came and went in a whirlwind of excitement as I reflected on my life that afternoon in the empty house. I had wanted time alone to process what could be. I didn’t want to overthink it, but after last month I couldn’t be certain. 

When I was pregnant with Fergus my first symptom was absolute exhaustion. Now, I could barely climb the stairs of Lallybroch without being out of breath on the landing. There were some tell-tale signs I had tried to ignore in case they were giving me false hope. My insatiable need for my husband wasn’t exactly unusual, but I couldn’t even think about Jamie without wanting him inside me. My breasts felt heavier than usual and more sensitive as I took my bra off that week, I cringed as my nipples grazed the bare cotton of the shirts I wore to bed. The nausea was off and on for the first time since I quit my birth control and I knew my estrogen levels were skyrocketing from something as it never progressed to anything resembling a stomach flu. Still, I was glad to take the day off and stay inside, apart from dropping Fergus off at school I had nowhere to go. 

That afternoon I was overtaken by both a violent craving for a double cheeseburger and chocolate milkshake...and the driving desire to ascertain whether the craving was pure gluttony or pregnancy. 

_ Stop it, Beauchamp. Either test or put it out of your head for good, early or not this isn’t helping.  _

I hadn’t said anything to Jamie and I didn’t think he suspected. As much as I wanted him to be there with me, I was hoping to find out first so I could best prepare my own heart and mind when I told him, if there was anything to tell. 

At 2:09 pm I took the test. The minutes ticked by and I held my face in my hands and sat, heart-racing on the edge of the claw-foot bathtub in our master suite. I couldn’t bear to watch. Finally, my phone alarm went off and I edged over to the counter to look through shaking hands. 

First one line, strong and deep blue crossed the center of the little circle. Then another, fainter one appeared and darkened surely, crossing perpendicularly to make a plus sign. 

I screamed in joy, tears filling my eyes and spilling over my fingers clutched over my mouth in disbelief. Thank God we had no neighbors to hear or frighten with my noisy revelation. 

I gripped the edge of the counter and breathed in deeply, slightly faint from the sudden exhale of air from my lungs in a holler of pure anticipation. 

I grabbed my belly and looked at myself in the mirror, tears of joy streaming down my face. I was actually carrying a new life, our child, Jamie’s child. The thought made me giddy and dizzy all at once. I didn’t think loving him more was even possible but my heart swelled with the secret knowledge of my discovery. 

I immediately thought of his imminent joy upon hearing the news. I pictured Maggie’s bright blue eyes and wondered if our baby would have the Fraser trait, too. Or Jamie’s auburn curls. Or even the little cleft in his chin. 

Hands shaking, I texted Jamie to pick up chocolate ice cream on his way home and ground beef to make up some burgers later. I promptly ran back to the toilet to heave at the thought of the smell of cooked beef in the house. Okay, maybe just ice cream. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Jamie watched in awe as I thoughtfully shook the crumbs out of my sweater and wiped ketchup off my chin. I had completely forgotten how much better everything was when you were pregnant-craving it. I stifled a giant burp and Jamie chuckled. 

“What?” I said shortly. 

“I’ve never seen anyone put away two huge cheeseburgers and a milkshake faster, Sassypants.” Jamie’s mouth twitched into an amused, but impressed grin. 

“I guess I was pretty famished.” I giggled, “sorry. I bet that was a sight.” 

“Don’t apologize, babe. Feeling better?” Jamie reached out and took my hand, sticky from ketchup and-all. 

“Much.” I sighed and my heart flip-flopped again. 

I could hardly look at him since he came home with Fergus in tow. I wanted a chance to tell him without Fergus knowing just yet and I was waiting for a good time. 

I was practically biting my tongue off trying to keep it in, we would decide how to tell our son together. 

“How did it go at Helwater?” I asked, trying to regain some dignity in cleaning myself up. 

_ My god. _ I had a ketchup packet stuck to my thigh. 

“Strange, but okay I suppose. We’ve much to talk about.” Jamie’s tone changed to seriousness and my ears perked up. “Lord John is nice enough, but a fair bit odd. D’ye ken every day he takes a walk just to look at his fountain and sculptures?” 

I snorted. 

“Well, I would too if I had any.” 

“Aye but not like this. He’s offering some amazing things in return for personal security.” 

“Personal security? You mean like a bodyguard?” I blinked, knitting my dark brows together in disapproval. That was the opposite of everything Ian suggested it might be. 

“Well, yes. We can talk about it later, Sassypants. I’m in no rush to answer him just yet.” 

I breathed in a sigh of relief. Maybe he wasn’t so eager to take this job after all, especially not after I told him the news… 

I watched that evening as he and Fergus settled onto the couch to animatedly read their books together, Jamie had always taken bedtime reading upon himself and I loved hearing him acting out the different voices. He brought the books to life for Fergus in a way no one else could and it was little wonder it was Fergus’s favorite time of night. 

I held this moment before me in my heart, Jamie had selflessly put my own son on a pedestal as his own with no thought to ever doing otherwise. He simply was Fergus’s daddy and, although he had a dad, took over from Frank in every way possible to show my son what it meant to be a good man. I loved him all the more for it. 

As time neared Fergus’s lights out, I became suddenly anxious. I hadn’t thought of a way to tell Jamie, in a world and age full of cutesy notes or social media masterpieces, I had only myself and a pee stick and I didn’t much want to simply hand that over. 

I knew Jamie would want to know as soon as I did though, so telling him another day was out of the question. Besides, he would read me like a book and figure it out for himself once the morning sickness took full hold of me and I would spend hours on the bathroom tile staring at the ceiling if it was anything like my first pregnancy. 

As Jamie tucked Fergus in and turned off the light, I went to stand in the empty room with the cradle and heard Jamie’s footsteps on the floorboards down the hall towards the room. My heart pattered anxiously as my mouth went dry. I took a deep breath as I prepared to tell him something that would change his life. 

As he came into the room, my nerves were almost palpable. Everything I thought I might say flew right out of the window with the rest of my brain. Suddenly, the removal of the orange wallpaper seemed precedent to everything else. 

“We really do need to finish up this room.” I said 

_ Damnit, Claire.  _

“We do,” Jamie agreed, taking a step towards me. 

I swallowed hard, his eyes were so blue as they looked at me with kindness. 

“Could use a touch of paint, we could pick a color this weekend.” 

“Yeah…” I said faintly. 

“Also the floor needs work, I can sand that rough spot by the window, too.” 

_ Now or never, Claire.  _

“And this, too.” I walked over to the unfinished cradle and set my shaking hand on it. 

Jamie was only vaguely paying attention, nodding in agreement and thinking of the work he had to do when he did a double take and looked at me as if seeing me for the first time. 

“Yer….” He sputtered, going slightly pale and a sudden worried look came over his face. 

“Yer no?” Now came the accent in full force. 

I nodded, my eyes filling up with tears once more and I glowed in joy looking at him. 

The air rushed out of his lungs in a giant exhale and he steadied himself by putting a hand next to mine on the cradle, not that it would remotely withstand his solid form should he fall. 

Jamie’s hands were on my arms and he searched my face intently. 

“Yer sure?” 

I nodded again and chuckled in spite of myself, my tears falling to my cheeks as he grabbed me and swung me around. Jamie’s stubble met messy tears as he kissed my face all over and then suddenly put me down as if I were a bomb about to burst. 

“Sorry! I shouldn’a have…. Is it-?” 

“It’s fine, Jamie. I won’t break.” I laughed. 

Jamie laughed too, his voice a welcome jump-and-tumble laugh that resounded in the small room. I broke into fresh tears again thinking of someday soon another small laugh coming to join his in this space. 

“Oh that’s absolutely grand, Sassypants. Jesus Lord, almighty! I’m going to be a Da.” 

We lost ourselves in a mess of tears, kisses and soft embraces as he still went around me carefully as if my entire midsection would suddenly break. Jamie picked me up carefully and gathered me in his arms as he walked down the hall with me and laid me gently on the bed. 

“Ye must rest, Claire. Anything ye need? Anything at all?” 

I laughed, “Jamie! I have at least eight more months to go, I don’t need to rest quite yet.” 

“Ye can never be too careful, ye ken?” Jamie excitedly got into bed next to me and started showering my belly with kisses. Our laughs lit up the night sky in an incandescent glow with the hope for our new future. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't give much way but what I'm planning is definitely... different... I'm hoping I still get to surprise a few in spite of the tropes here. :) Keep reading for more suspense! Hope you enjoyed the Fraser fluff <3 there will be more of this as well.


	6. Of Fathers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small connecting chapter from Jamie's POV. I feel like he doesn't get enough first person viewpoints ;) I love reading them!

I had always wondered what kind of father I’d be. My own father, Brian Fraser, I had barely known. I remember the smell of his wool coat as he carried me inside from the car after falling asleep on a long trip. I remember the blue handkerchief he sometimes carried. The smell of vanilla tobacco from the pipe he’d walk outside to smoke away from Mam. Something about caramel and pecans. Maybe a birthday cake? It was all faint in my head. 

I wonder what he would be thinking or feeling knowing his own son was about to be a father. 

When Claire told me, my mind went blank. I’d never experienced so many emotions in a split second. Joy, to hope, to ecstasy, to absolute fear and terror at the weight of being someone’s father. 

I’d embraced the role of being Fergus’s Da. But still, he was a child ready-made. One ready for love and guidance. Not a wee bairn. Apart from Jenny’s children I’d never so much as held a baby before. I could handle being a father to Fergus since he was three but this? This was an entirely different fear. 

Even being my own flesh and blood as this child would be, I wondered if I could love them with the depth and intensity I had felt for Fergus that first time we’d read together. I knew that night as we read  _ Goodnight Moon _ , that I would do anything for that boy. What if I didn’t feel the same connection with a newborn? 

_ God.  _

What if something should go wrong? What if Claire were to be in pain? Now that childbirth was not only a distant thought but a reality for her, would she be okay? I couldn’t bear her pain, my own was one thing but hers….

My eyes opened in the dark of night and I turned over softly so as not to wake her. She was already awake and stirring. I slipped a hand under her arm and placed my palm over her hip, my fingers rubbing the area where our baby would be. 

It was too good to be true, a wide smile spread across my face. 

“You’re up too?” Claire mumbled sleepily. 

“Aye,” I said. “Couldn’t sleep, too much to think about.” 

“Mm. Wanna talk?” 

I loved that about her. No matter what she was doing, Claire was willing to set everything aside to be there for me. Her eyes were puffy but she blinked awake and smiled at the touch of my fingers on her skin. 

“I’m glad you’re happy, babe.” 

I kissed her shoulder, the pale skin poking out from the quilt and shining milky white in the dark. 

I sighed and breathed in the smell of her hair. 

“I think I should take the job.” 

Claire stiffened and turned to look at me, her brown eyes almost black in the dark. 

“If you think so…” 

“It’s too good to pass up, babe. And now with this…” I gestured to the small space between my fingers. 

“Jamie, I can’t bear if anything were to happen to you-” 

“I ken you’re worried, Claire. But … I’m more capable than you think I am.” I blinked quickly, trying not to let her catch the tone of deeper meaning in my voice. 

“I know you’re capable, Jamie. I just don’t trust this Geneva person, what if she’s a real piece of work like Lord John said?” 

“I’ll worry about that, love. I swear. I’ll give it a month or two at the most and if it’s too much I’ll stop.” 

Claire breathed out slowly, “I guess. You promise?” 

“Swear on my Da’s life, Sassypants. The moment I’m in real danger or put in a bad situation I’ll quit. It really does sound like just monitoring a regular- pardon my wording- bitch. I doubt she’ll be anything more than a whiny child, eh?” 

I saw Claire shift, her mind was working quickly. She nodded. 

“I trust you. I know you wouldn’t do anything stupid.” 

She settled back into my arms and sighed softly. 

“But be warned, James Fraser. If you do get in too deep I’ll come drag you out by your ruddy curls and you’ll be sorry.” 

“I bet I will be, Claire. I love you.” I chuckled softly, “My lioness.” 

She un-poofed her mane of curls from my face and snorted quietly. 

“Keep my hair out of it, thank you very much.” 

“Aye, point taken. Tell me when your claws aren’t out then.” 

She growled softly and I smiled, pulling her closer to cuddle her in warm sleep. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It was bittersweet as I left the print shop that day. I had left Lord John a voicemail saying I would take the assignment. Within the half-hour, the same unmarked car drove up to the shop to drop off a plain, dark green folder hefty with material. 

Mister tight-lips didn’t say much of anything as he nodded to Ian and left without a word. 

“Mm. Chatty, your new coworker there.” Ian chuckled and walked over to my desk. 

“This goodbye, brother?” 

“Aye… well, for now at least. You sure you’ll be fine without me?” 

Ian shrugged and nodded, “Oh we’ll be fine. Same old, same old. I’m proud of you, Jamie.” 

“Really?” 

“You’re too smart to be here, kid. Get out into the world, make something of yourself. Just don’t forget about us when you do,” Ian smirked and winked. 

I pulled him into a big back-pat bear hug and released the tired-looking man to enjoy his cup of coffee in blessed silence, something hard to come by at his place. In a few months that would be me, the sleepless new dad. 

I hadn’t told him or Jenny anything yet, Claire insisted we wait a few weeks at least until after our first few appointments. 

I was going to miss this place, but to be honest, my heart was racing and my hands were itching to open this file. Walking hastily to my car, I drove to a nearby coffee shop and sat in the parking lot. Looking around first, I opened the file and sifted through the contents. My eyes quickly scanning and reading the contents at lightning speed. I had learned to improve my reading comprehension in training should I ever need to retain a lot of detail in a short amount of time. In five minutes I had the file downloaded into my mind. 

Geneva. “G” as she was to her friends, not that she had many. She was a mere baby of a child as I was ten years her senior. Her oval face was too-perfect, her nose long and thin, large blue eyes slightly bulging out of her head. Her long, brown hair was curled perfectly and made me wonder if she had her own stylists. In all the candid photos I had seen, she was perfection itself. High maintenance, her look screamed at me. I half expected to see a tiny handbag and dog in every photo, but to my own amusement there was not. 

She lives in an upscale flat downtown, a penthouse actually, in the River Scene district of Boston. Only the elite lived on that side of town. G had a three-story penthouse that was a little conspicuous from someone with little to no family ties. If it weren’t for Lord John’s file saying her family was from Hoboken and still living, her father an accountant and her mother a housewife, one would think Geneva arrived on the scene out of the blue. She had little family contact and no siblings. 

Easy enough, I thought to myself. After the intel and undercover work I’d done in Basra, this was going to be nothing. Lord John really didn’t need me for this annoying mosquito of a problem. Little did I know that this was one infestation that went far deeper than even I knew at the time. 


	7. G

I pushed the doorbell hesitantly, somewhere far in the building an annoyed voice responded through the telecom system at the gate on the street level. I braced myself against the early March night chill, the wind off the nearby water was unexpectedly brisk. 

“Who are you?” Her voice was higher than I expected. 

“Alexander Malcolm, Miss. Sent over from Lord John Gray Enterprises?” 

Lord John told me to pick a name to go by and I knew a half-truth was better than nothing. Taking my two middle names, I created an alias I hadn’t gone by before. Thank the Lord for Roman Catholic parents who couldn’t decide on just one middle name. Mam’s doing, most like. 

“Oh.” She said simply, “Come in.” 

The loud buzzer was a sign to enter as I made my way into the all-black marble hallway. A tall gold elevator was at one end of the corridor and I nodded to a large security guard sitting at a front desk area of the complex. If this didn’t look spot-on like an evil lair… somehow I couldn’t picture little Miss-perfect living here. 

Pressing button 19 on the elevator felt presumptive, but then again the whole place did. I wasn’t one for much pomp and circumstance and being in the River Scene district definitely felt strange. Every couple I had passed on the way in either drove a Tesla or looked like they wore vegan leather and drank matcha. I smirked to myself, how I’d wished that Claire would be with me now. 

I had left her warm in bed, getting ready for sleep with Fergus cuddled up next to her. I felt awful that her nausea was back with a vengeance. Although I didn’t work until that night, I held her hair back while she rid herself of most everything she had kept down. 

“It’s alright. I was this way with Fergus, too.” She said weakly, washing her face in the sink. 

She had wretched so hard, slight blood vessels were broken around her eyes giving her the vague appearance of having freckles on her pale skin. 

“Babe, I don’t know what to say. I feel just awful.” 

Her cold clammy hands squeezed mine. 

“Go, I’ll be fine. Ferg and I will watch a movie, we’ll be ok. I’ll miss you.” 

“And I, you. Mo chridhe,” I still felt awful leaving her like that. 

The ding of the elevator abruptly brought me out of my reverie. Walking up to the second door on the left, I raised a hand to knock but that too, was opened for me. 

Geneva was only 5’3”, a good deal shorter than Claire. I stammered a little as she pulled back the black enamel door to her place to reveal herself in only a short satin robe of the deepest blue. She scowled at me and looked me over. 

“You’ll do.” 

I averted my eyes and wasn’t sure where to look as I entered the apartment.

“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am.” 

“Charmed.” Geneva said as though introductions were entirely unnecessary. 

She ripped the eye mask off her head, apparently I had woken her up at 7pm. She had an art galleria opening to attend, Lord John said he would be in attendance as well. I had dressed smartly, black pants, dress shoes and an aubergine button down shirt with a dark gray tie and suit jacket. 

I couldn’t very well look at her much. It didn’t seem proper. After all, she was my employer now, too. I didn’t much care for the anticipation of the red flush that crept across my face as she walked away from me and I noticed she had on nothing underneath the flimsy fabric barely covering her arse. As much as I wanted to look, as a man, I stopped myself and thought only of Claire and the sadness she would feel to know my current situation. 

Did she plan that on purpose? 

I was under the strict impression Geneva didn’t care for anyone more than herself. 

“Give me 45 minutes. What am I to call you?” 

“Er… um Alex is fine.” 

She poked her head round the corner of the all-white walls of the hallway. 

“Scotch. Huh.” 

“Aye, from Inverness area if ye ken it.” 

Her blue eyes were smudged with mascara that had run and to be honest she looked like a hot mess. Nothing at all the perfection of her photos in the file. 

“Well, Alex. Take a look around. We have to go to-” 

“A gala opening, I read the email ye sent.” 

She blinked, “Good. At least you’re more competent than your predecessor.” 

Her comments were thrown at me haphazardly as though she were crumpling up pieces of paper and tossing them over her shoulder leaving a mess in her wake. After she walked away, I heard the shower turn on from somewhere inside and took the opportunity to walk around the penthouse. The whole place smelled of gardenias and I noticed at least 3 bouquets of the white flowers on side tables throughout the multi-level complex. G certainly liked her fresh flowers. 

Her place was straight out of a Parisian paradise. Claire would have died and gone to heaven. Although the outside of the penthouse was steely black and hard looking, inside Geneva’s place was full of rich satins and silks and white granite. She certainly lived a charmed life, whatever she did for a living was treating her kindly and she wanted for nothing. 

There was an iron-wrought spiral staircase in the middle of the giant living room opposite the kitchen with its French provincial cabinets and stocked wine rack featuring quite a few bottles of famous sauvignon blanc. A two-story wall of windows looked out onto the balcony overlooking Boston. I caught my breath as I walked over to look out at the skyline.

Everything about G screamed flippant wealth and yet…. the allure of the upstairs was almost too much to bear. She did say to look around…

Hearing the shower still running, I quietly took the stairs up to the dizzying height of the second story to find yet another staircase at the top going to a third story. An attic? Roof? 

There were only two doors off the hallway upstairs, padded with cream-colored carpet that looked as though no one had ever set foot on it before. I noticed each door had a biometric security key on the outside. Huh. 

Handprint security, seemed…. overkill for a place already with a buzzing door and security guard not to mention the thirteen cameras I had counted on my way up. That had to be it. The library. It was hard to imagine Dougal or Lord John afraid of that little slip of a girl but they were clearly upset by her for whatever reason. Now, I was in this to make ends meet and then some but from that moment on I was in it for myself as well. 

_Curiosity killed the cat._

I heard the shower turn off after a few minutes and raced down the stairs two-by-two, sitting casually on the white couch with my heart racing. Suddenly, I heard a rustling noise behind me and was on alert. G wasn’t out of her suite yet. Someone, or something was making scratching noises from somewhere near where she had disappeared to shower. 

_Damnit._

Key? It sounded like a key, maybe someone drunk was trying the front door. I hastened to the hall outside the door G disappeared into. 

“Miss? Um. Miss Dunsany?” I knocked on the door but there was no answer. 

I didn’t much like the idea of having to go in without knowing her state of dress or undress but I was being paid to make sure she was safe. I silently unbuttoned the single fastening on my suit jacket and my hand went for the concealed holster under my left arm. My right hand gripped the cold, hard metal of the gun Lord John had supplied me with. I despised being armed again, I swore I wouldn’t touch another instrument of death after Iraq and yet… here I was. 

The rustling started again and this time, something definitely started hitting on the door from the inside of the adjoining room across from G’s in front of me. Heart racing, I sucked in a deep breath and held it. Someone was definitely in here with us. G was blasting some indie music from her bathroom and couldn’t have possibly heard anything. 

I closed my eyes briefly, adjusting my eyes to the darkness of the hallway before swallowing hard and kicking open the door with my shoe leaving a scuff mark on the white wood door. 

Something that could only be described as a naked mole rat ran screaming past me low to the ground. I yelled in spite of myself and tried to catch my breath as I looked after it, gun drawn. The bony tail of a cat… or dog…. slipped behind the couch and hissed loudly. 

Cat. Definitely cat. 

“Alex! How dare you frighten Toby like that?!” 

I turned to see Geneva in nothing more than a towel, she was glaring at me, her tiny dark brows knit together in anger. 

“T-Toby?” I regained some composure as I again averted my eyes. This wasn’t appropriate at all. Did all rich girls not care if they were undressed in front of their new staff???

“He’s my sphynx cat. Jesus.” 

“Oh… beg pardon, ma’am. I thought there was an intruder.” 

Geneva looked at me dumb struck. Suddenly she laughed, affected by a sudden fit of humor. 

“Jesus, no. Dear God, you scared the shit out of me. I thought- nevermind.” 

She thought what? 

How anyone could be attached to a naked cat was beyond me. 

“You’re a funny one, aren’t you.” 

She said it as a statement, not a question. 

G cocked her head at me, her mass of wet hair falling over her shoulders like planks of seaweed.

“I’m so sorry, I-”  


“Don’t apologize, like I said… you’ll do…” Geneva smiled at me and something about it was unsettling. Her face was suddenly serious. 

“If you’re going to be here, let me give you the key code for next time.” 

I nodded and took out my phone as I put away the gun. I pulled up the note app on my phone to write down whatever she was going to tell me. 

“Holy Jesus.” 

My mouth dropped as Geneva dropped the towel. Instead of talking, she simply let the white towel fall to the rug beneath her bare feet and smirked at me. 

Turning around to enjoy my discomfort as I quickly looked away, face redder than a cherry. This was SO not okay. 

“Sorry, ma’am I thought ye needed me to write down the code?” 

“I’ve given it to you.” She said simply, walking back to the bathroom her small hips swaying as she walked. 

I tried not to look, but it was impossible not to. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her, but she was clearly trying to catch me off guard. As a new husband I felt sick to my stomach. She knew what she was doing to me. It was hard to deny biology as my own body responded slightly to her naked form. 

She smiled at me like the cat who got the cream. 

“You- you did?” 

“Aye,” She affected my own accent back at me. “My measurements.” 

I swallowed against my dry mouth and hastily left the room. 

_32- 24- 34_

I looked out at the city in front of me. It seemed darker now, somehow. 

I didn’t know much about my new employer yet, but I knew one thing. 

I _hated_ her. 

........

Sooooooo what do we think of G so far? Still a few chapters away from the real meat of her character but.... interesting introduction. The whole time I'm writing this I'm like.....


	8. Of Gods and Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get snippets of Jamie's past as well as his growing conundrum. Of Gods and Men explores human frailty and divine intervention through Jamie's eyes.

_Your faith was strong but you needed proof_

_You saw her bathing on the roof_

_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya_

_She tied you to a kitchen chair_

_She broke your throne, and she cut your hair_

_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

-Leonard Cohen 

The Fraser Clan was a religious lot 

I had been to church more times than I could count before my first steps. The Fraser children were baptized, made to memorize their catechisms, taught to pray the rosary and go to confessional if they so much as had a sinful thought. 

I clung to my God and my faith like it was a guiding force, it had protected me all of my life. Each step I had taken, each choice seemed guided by the Holy Father himself. It was He alone that brought me back from Basra, I shouldn’t have escaped. My last assignment ended poorly with one of my men getting slaughtered before my very eyes as I watched in horror. It should have been me. I was the one infiltrating the ranks from the inside. But they took him. 

Private Cochran would never live to see his child grow and yet…. Here I was about to see my own born into the world. There but for the grace of God…. 

It was a heavy burden to bear, I had told Claire of his passing but never the details. The shrapnel in my back was easy enough to excuse, but beneath that, I was captured, whipped and tortured by the Al-Qaeda. My skin was all but hanging off my bones when Cochran found me. 

I had made a solemn oath to God that I would not forget his grace nor his mercy that I returned home. I took my vows seriously. My vows of marriage, to God and to Claire, were more than just promises. They were a truth I had to live up to no matter the cost. And that vow had been put to the test by my current circumstance. I saw no easy way out but I was of a mind to let my boundaries me known under no uncertain circumstances. I would not be tempted to sin against God and myself, to break my vow. Not as long as I had breath. 

……………………………………..

The car ride over to the galleria was a quiet one. My mind was racing as I rode up front in the vehicle, G and Lord John must have gotten their drivers from the same place because this man was a bit more gray but had just as much to say as Mr. tight-mouth. 

G had slinked out of the bathroom in a tight little black dress with a slit up her leg far enough to see, well, everything. As we arrived at the galleria opening, I opened the car door for her and took her arm, pulling her aside momentarily. 

“Miss, a word?” 

G blinked at me, but allowed me to pull her off to the side. She was a wee thing, even in heels. Her arm fit in my hand like a toothpick. 

“Now I don’t know what that was all about, but I’m a happily married man.” I said sternly, as if reprimanding Fergus. 

“And?” G smiled and waved to the people entering the little foyer of the gallery, she seemed stiff and on display like a mannequin. 

“And?!” I blurted out, I didn’t care that my voice was raised to her. “Your stunt was entirely inappropriate and I have to say if this behavior continues you’ll be needing to find another bodyguard.” 

“Oh honey,” G chuckled, blinking her big blue eyes at me. “You’re not my type.” 

She wrenched her arm out of my grip and clacked her little heels down the pavement away from me. I had no choice but to follow her. 

“Oh and Mr. Malcolm.” 

She turned slightly, stopping mid-stride. 

“Talk to me like that again and you’re fired,” her thin face burst into a fake smile, “Mkay?” 

I bit the inside of my mouth as I followed her into the gallery. 

_Fuck you, too._

………………………………………………………………………………….

The industrial building had exposed brick walls, upon which was the newest collection from an artist called Poppy Dada, _Of Gods and Men_. Gigantic canvases were amassed throughout the cement-floor establishment. People dressed to the nines mulled about with glasses of champagne and nibbled on crudité while making notes in a pink program with little pencils. Apparently each piece had a silent auction going on with prices starting in the thousands. 

The art itself was fine enough, Oil and chalk on canvas of faces of men and women of all different shapes and colors, all against a starkly dark background featuring religious symbols. 

A symbol of a hand in the dark carrying a rosary caught my eye, silently I prayed to God above that he would give me strength and show me the way. I wanted this over with as soon as possible. 

I shadowed G giving her appropriate distance. Suddenly a familiar voice was in my ear. 

“How’s it going Alex?” 

I turned to see the cutting figure of Lord John smiling at me. He was dressed in a tight pinstripe navy suit with a coral pink cravat tucked deftly under his clean shaven jaw. His blue eyes were sparkling at me and I was close enough to his face to see his pupils dilate as he looked me up and down. 

“Well don’t you clean up nicely!” 

“Er… thank you.” I mumbled, unsure how to take the compliment. “I have to say it’s not going swimmingly.” 

Lord John frowned slightly and leaned in closer for me to hiss in his ear. 

“Highly inappropriate, she’s coming onto me and I cannae say much that will not get me fired here, John. I told her if she does it again, I quit.” 

John’s eyes twinkled all the more and he feigned shock. 

“Don’t worry, old boy. She does it to the best of them. Even came onto me once.” 

“Really?” 

“Oh yeah. It’s what she does to men, she thinks we’re all fair game. Even though my interests lie….elsewhere.” 

John chucked me on my shoulder and steered me close to her to say hello. 

“G.” 

Geneva turned and looked at Lord John with false warmth in her voice. 

“Oh, baby. Hello.” 

She went on her tiptoes to kiss him on both cheeks. 

“How are you, my dear?” Lord John said amicably, side eye-ing my surprise at his familiarity with this woman. 

“Oh, you know. The same.” She laughed a little 

“How is Mister Malcolm doing on his first day?” John changed the subject and brought unwanted attention to me. 

G snorted lightly, “Aside from almost shooting Toby, I can’t complain.” 

Lord John’s eyes widened. 

“Not Toby!” 

His tone was shock but his amused voice told me that he wouldn’t necessarily cry over news that I actually shot the cat. 

“Good to see you, John. I have to go say hi to some... other people. Mk?” 

I rolled my eyes as I followed her away. 

…………………………………………………………………..

To say I was bored was an understatement. I knew the pay was great and the reward even greater, and yet… following a prissy twenty-something around an art gallery was not my idea of a good time. I’d have killed to be deep in the print shop with the smell of paper and hot ink around me, sweating, loading trucks and filling orders. 

I noticed G was making notes but had yet to put in an actual offer on anything. She kept walking around the gallery like a hungry little basset hound, nose to the ground looking for treats. Actually, I wasn’t sure what we were doing there. 

A few times, G leaned in to whisper into the ears of several people where I couldn’t hear what was said. They both feigned laughter and once their conversation concluded she would slink off to the next one. 

……………………………………………………………………….

The ride home was uneventful, until we reached the penthouse again. A quarter to eleven, I escorted her up to her penthouse and did a quick once over on the place before nodding curtly to her on my way out. 

“All clear, Miss.” 

“Call me G, everyone does.” 

“Yes...G….” 

What kind of person goes by initials only? 

G bent down to take off her heels and set her phone down face-up on the glass table near me. I happened to glance at it as it buzzed. 

I didn’t see who sent it but G just got a notification that $500,000 had been received by her bank account with the memo “last payment” 

“It’s rude to peek,” G stood up and snatched it away from my gaze. 

At the gallery, I watched as G downed at least a bottle of champagne, still keeping her head was one thing but she was a little looser than before with her talk. 

“Goddamn it, finally.” 

“Good news?” I tried to coax out more. 

“Yes, that was really bothering me. Seven months of work almost down the drain there. News outlets are so boring to deal with…” 

She trailed off before clearing her throat. 

“Goodnight, Alex.” 

“Night, Miss….G” 

On my way out, I heard her rush upstairs and the quick beeping of an alarm going off before silence by her biometric print on one of the doors. The door to the penthouse closed and locked automatically behind me. 

I couldn’t get home fast enough. Yawning all the way, I mulled over the receipt of the large amount of money as well as her comments. Blackmail didn’t look good on anyone, especially that twat of a human being. Still….. What blackmail was worth that much?? 

I drove up the gravel drive to Lallybroch at long last and let out a sigh of relief. It was ours full and clear, as long as I kept my job. Claire could even take off more time with our baby once it came without worry of money. Given how rough her pregnancy had been with Fergus, I knew it was a matter of time before I became the only source of income should she need bedrest again. 

I tiptoed into the house, my shoes squeaking the floorboards. 

“Jamie?” 

Her voice sounded as deep and smooth as velvet. Just hearing it was a balm to my aching soul. 

“Mo chirdhe. What’re ye doing up?” 

My face broke into a smile, Claire was sitting up leisurely on the rocking recliner next to our couch. Dressed in a gown and her white plush robe wrapped tightly in around her. Her hands cradling the tiny bump only just now visible on her lower abdomen. 

“Leg cramp, I couldn't sleep so I got up for some warm milk. Turns out, she wanted cookies too.” 

I slipped out of my dress shoes and walked wordlessly over to her, sinking down on the ground in front of her and put my face in her lap, my lips caressing the spot under her hands as she held my face in her palms. 

“What’s wrong, Jamie?” 

A lump rose in my throat, I hated my job, I hated my employer, I hated John and Dougal for ever putting me in this predicament. I hated her. I wanted to tell Claire everything, to come clean about it all but I knew that her knowing of my past as an agent would not be the safest thing to tell her. It used to be a non-issue, something that never touched or affected our lives together but now that I was back undercover, the guilt of holding my past from her bubbled up inside my chest. 

I longed to tell her of G and how she’d propositioned herself to me, how inappropriate it all was. But I had precious little experience as a husband. Even then, I knew that telling my pregnant wife about a naked woman that wasn’t her probably wasn’t the best idea. I had nothing to hide but I didn’t want her worrying. Her or the bairn. 

“I missed you.” I whispered into the folds of her robe. 

And I had. 

“Fergus and I missed you at story time, turns out I do not do the voices right for _The Spooky Old Tree_.” Claire laughed softly, stroking my hair. “It’s hard to sleep without you here, next to me. My God you look good tonight...’ 

“I’m here, Sassypants. And God, I love you.” My voice was low and full of need. I raised my head to lean up and kiss her neck, inhaling her light flowery scent deep into my lungs. 

My hand reached up to finger the tendrils around her ears. 

They were dark as the night and slipped like water through my grasp. 

“She?” I suddenly sat up straight and smirked. 

Claire smiled, her white teeth shining in the darkness, “My gut feeling is it’s a girl. We find out in another month. Heartbeat appointment is tomorrow, in case you forgot.” 

“Forget? Claire, I couldn’t forget that,” I shook my head hard. “Of course I’ll be there. Yer mam has no faith in me, my wee girl…” 

Claire sighed and moved slightly as I talked to her belly. 

“Hm. Faith. I like that name.” 

I stopped short in my cuddling of said bump. 

“It’s perfect.” 

Claire smiled again, “Like you.” 

I snorted slightly, if only she knew. 

“Let’s go to bed, mo chridhe. We’ve a big day tomorrow.” 

Claire bit her lower lip as I eased her up into my arms and helped her up the steps to bed. I knew sleep wasn’t exactly the first thing on her mind. 

“To bed,” She raised a curious eyebrow, “or to sleep?” 

_God, yes._

I was fairly dizzy as I fell entirely under her control and climbed the stairs behind her. I worshipped the outline of her body in the light of the hall. Our bed would be a holy, sacred comfort to my heart tonight. 

.......................

Claire's last two braincells full of estrogen seeing Jamie dressed up after her midnight snack run: 

P.S. next chapter is PURE Fraser smut :) Enjoy xx I feel like they could both use a break from the madness 


	9. King of Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to CrosswordDreamer for blessing me with the cover photo xx

Jamie came home dejected that night. I had no idea what had happened but I was determined to make it better. My heart sang as he came to me for comfort, for affection. I cradled his head in my lap like I used to do to Fergus as a small boy. Sometimes men and little boys are alike in more ways than they care to admit. All humans need reassurance that they are not alone, that there is always someone who has them. 

I knew very well that Jamie needed as much tender love and care as I did myself. No matter what he’d been through, we had each other’s heart as home to come back to. A beacon of light in the darkest nights. 

It had been a while since we’d been together like that. My nausea admittedly wasn’t a turn-on. In my pregnancy I’d noticed that my desire for Jamie was constant, like a drug I couldn’t get enough of. Just being around him, feeling him around me was enough to make my head spin. Side effect or hormones or not, it was delightful. I felt like I was sixteen again, besotted with a new crush and no one would ever understand what it was to be in love the way I was. 

Jamie had no sooner gotten in our room with me than I locked the door and reached up to kiss him deeply, I needed his lips on mine with all that I had in me. Pulling him closer to me, I felt his pulse on my own as my ear pressed to his neck. My lips brushed the small beauty mark just on his collar bone that was so dear to me. One of those tiny details that a true love memorizes and holds onto that no one else knows about. The breath left his lungs in a small moan and the noise sent goosebumps running down my arm like a waterfall of tiny pinpricks. 

God, I was so sensitive. 

“I want ye, Claire.” Jamie scooped me up and wrapped my legs around his waist, holding the round rear end he loved in his bare hands and squeezing it like a ripe fruit he was about to slice open. 

“I need you,” I choked out a strangled moan low in his ears that made him grip me tighter and bite my neck in restraint. 

“Will ye have me?” His voice was low and urgent and I knew that if I didn’t act soon I would die. 

“Yes,” I whispered, my eyes looking into his: deep blue pools of blue hooded darkly with desire.“Yes, I’ll have you.” 

With my permission given, Jamie placed me down carefully on the bed and slipped off my robe, it landed in a heap on the floorboards. I pulled him down on top of me by his gray tie, biting it in my teeth as I hurried with the buttons on his deep purple dress shirt. 

He smiled and aided me as fast as he could. I threw his shirt and the tie onto the pile of clothing that kept growing. Jamie’s fingers slipped under the straps on my nightgown and slid the material off of them in a pile around my waist, my nipples were sensitive as ever and quickly hardened in the chill. His own were small and tight over the rock solid chest of pure muscle. 

I loved the feel of his skin on mine, his own body was a shelter for my own to cling to. A fortress to hold me and to cry on in my moments of pain and apathy. A tree to yell from during my highs, and to swing from with joy and abandon as his arms caught me and held me high up, only to bring me back down again to safety. And sometimes, like this. A taught iron form of burning flames to melt with, no thought to if we’d ever be the same again after joining with such ferocity. To glow in the dark like an ember, to mold and change and come apart different than before, bearing the other’s soul inside our own. 

Jamie held me on his lap, his legs and feet on the floor as we caressed and explored each other’s half nudity. Our lips parted in a pant when they were not joined together in a spark of pure electricity that was culminating in excitement and wetness between my legs and firmness between his own. I was ready for him. I had been ready all day. 

Jamie kissed me passionately, biting my lower lip teasingly as he grabbed a hold of my dark curls in his hand and ran his stubble down my neck seducing me further. He knew it was my weakness. A small sigh escaped my lips and I moaned softly under my breath. I felt him smile into our next kiss, his hands roaming my breasts, cupping and gently running his thumbs over my areolas. Bending down, his mouth eagerly found it’s mark and he sucked on my nipple delicately, flicking it ever so slightly with his tongue in a way that made me shudder in pleasure. 

I was growing in desperation for him to turn his attention to other areas but he perused my body with the deliberate slowness of a man in no rush to appreciate the female form. I let my head fall back and felt the tickle of my dark wavy hair brush my shoulders, Jamie’s fingers were my downfall. Working their way, tracing my skin from my lips, down the front of my neck and slowly around my back, edging ever down. 

In a state of awe, he oversaw every inch of my changing body and admired it. His hands lightly pressing against the new bump forming just below my navel. In the fires of human passion, we had forged a new life between us and the change was a resounding reminder that he and I were one. There was a tender love in his gaze as he reverted his attention back to me alone and licked his lips in subconscious anticipation. 

My lips hovered above his and he pulled me to him, my fingers fumbled with his belt and slacks. In a clink and hum of leather slipping through the catch, I groped desperately working the item off his person and onto the floor. I didn’t even bother to take off the rest of my shift before pushing him down onto the quilt and in a frenzy, groping and grabbing at him in desperation. I couldn’t wait. 

Jamie’s mouth was at my breast, his tongue working on it again and I moaned lightly at the sensation. It was almost more than I could bear. I kissed him long and hard as I reached down and felt his bare erection against my stomach. I swallowed and gently ran my fingers lightly over the head. Feeling the delicate skin soft as velvet, I marveled how something so hard could be so soft at the same time. My thumb ran gently on the head over and over feeling the slight bead of moisture gathering at the tip. 

I stared into his eyes as I spread the lubricant over him and brought my thumb to my mouth to taste. Jamie grabbed my jaw in his hands and kissed me tenderly, he groaned softly into my open mouth as our lips again and again in ardent passion. 

Reaching up under my nightdress, I guided him into me and slid over him slowly at first, Jamie closed his eyes in a frown of concentration around the sensation he felt as did I, of him and I colliding. Pregnancy had caused excess blood to flow to all areas of my body, heightening any state of arousal within me and making it hard to breathe with the need I had to feel him fill me. In my current state, it felt incredible. I took his full length inside me and rocked my body back and forth taking him inside me as deep as I possibly could. I let out a small cry and dug my fingers into his shoulders as I heard him exhale sharply in pure besotted joy. 

  
  


I worked my abdomen and gripped him tightly inside myself, Jamie let out a strangled gasp into my mouth as I bit his lower lip. 

“Fuck, Claire.” 

I smiled as I kept the momentum and ground my hips into his groin. He was deep inside me, pulling at the sides of my vaginal walls and stretching them as we went. I let out a shuddering moan as, after two rocking movements, I was already at the brink of falling over into beautiful joy with him trapped beneath me, under my complete control as we writhed and sought to own the other. 

I said his name deep and urgently, encouraging him to rise up to meet me. My hands grasping at the quilt behind him, scratching at his shoulders as he took over, grabbing my arse in his hands and spreading me out over him so he could get an even deeper angle. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears as he pounded into me over and over again. I arched my back and with a final weak cry I lost myself in his arms. 

Jamie kept on going and I shuddered helplessly against him, my anchor in the storm that was our bodies meeting fervently. I was too sensitive everywhere, each stroke, each touch felt like fire itself consuming my body. 

“Jamie,” I said hoarsely, my voice was dry from gasping for air. “I can’t… I don’t think I can again….” 

“Ye can and ye will, Claire.” He all but growled in my ear, “the next time, I’ll come with ye.” 

My heart did somersaults as I listened to his panting. I could barely hear him over my own ragged breaths. I could feel the intensity building again deep inside me as he kept going at a reckless pace. He was close. 

I gasped and held on for dear life as another orgasm tremored through me, gripping Jamie tighter, I ran my hands down his shoulders and scratched at him to stop. Feeling me tremble around him was enough. He poured himself deep inside me with hot spurts and a low groan that seemed to come from his very soul. His breath hot on my ear as he held me tightly to him. He was utterly spent and so was I. We lay there for a bit, my legs were trembling and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the welcome the darkness brought with it. Both of us lost in contentment and slowly running our fingers over the other. 

Some time, later I stirred. Too tired to care about anything else but him, I curled up under his arm and looked at my sleeping husband as his auburn lashes fluttered to life. 

“How are you feeling?” I whispered. 

“Mmm, you’ll ken I’m daft for even thinking it… no, it’ll sound presumptuous.” 

“Say it.” I laughed, demanding. 

“I feel like the King of Men himself when I’m inside ye.” 

Jamie blushed and tapped my nose with his pointer finger before cuddling me close again. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his solid chest. I did not laugh. I knew in my heart my King of Men would reign forevermore. 

................

Hope you enjoyed it ;) Happy Wednesday! 


	10. Heartbeat

  
  
  


I sat uncomfortably perched on the high table while Jamie paced the small room. Then again, pretty much no position was comfortable as my body was changing by the day. What muscles I didn’t seem to pull as I slept, randomly spasmed throughout the day 

“Honey, you have to sit down. You’re burning a hole in the floor.” I chuckled softly. 

He was the epitome of expectant fatherhood, his hair was messed up from him running his fingers through it so many times on the ride over. It was utterly endearing how nervous he was for this. 

“This linoleum? Doubtful. Hellfire itself wouldn’a touch the thing.” Jamie quipped, sitting down at long last, his foot now tapping quickly on the floor beside the chair. 

Good to see his humor hadn’t changed. 

There was a sharp rap at the door and Jamie jolted slightly as the small form of the midwife-turned-doctor I’d seen since Fergus came into the room carrying her clipboard on her hip. 

Jessica Moon was her name and she was every bit the calm, happy sunshine I remembered her to be. Her short blonde hair was tucked behind her ears as she looked at us both and smiled. 

“Claire, good to see you again.” She strode over to me and offered her hand warmly, in spite of the just-washed fingers and cold, it was good to have her here. “Gosh I haven’t seen you in so long, how is Fergus?” 

I smiled, “He’s great, thanks.” 

“Oh and you must be Dad,” Dr. Moon held out her hand to Jamie who took it nervously, I could see a bit of sweat collecting on his upper lip as he said hello and watched her get on with her paperwork impatiently. 

“Now it’s been a while so let’s go over medical history here, Claire. Any new medications or allergies we need to be aware of since your last visit?” 

I shook my head and rubbed my small bump thoughtfully. 

“Perfect. And I see,” Dr. Moon flipped through her folder in front of us both, “as far as birth histories go, you’ve had… two pregnancies and one live birth, am I correct?” 

I panicked, “Yes, that’s correct.” 

My voice trembled for a second and I closed my eyes, wanting to die there on the spot. 

Jamie didn’t miss it, his face went from nervous blank to an incredulous confusion before settling into a questioning gaze directed at me. 

_ Shit. _

I had forgotten they’d bring it up. 

“Right, well let’s make a note to schedule a scan just to be safe as well, ok?” 

I nodded wordlessly, Jamie stood up and held my hand tightly. 

His face relaxed into a smile but I could tell the revelation bothered him greatly. Still, he wiped away any negative emotion to focus on us here and now. This was new. This love, this baby….. The past would come later if he wanted to discuss it. 

Dr. Moon grabbed her calculator and smiled, “Let’s figure out this baby’s birthday, shall we?” 

I made mental note of everything that was said. 

_ September 16th. Sapphire birthstone… _

My mind exploded with images of birthday parties and leaves turning, damn pregnancy hormones had me tearing up at the thought of a girl with sapphire blue eyes like Jamie’s. I wasn’t entirely sure why I thought it was a girl, I just knew. It was the same with Fergus. As hard as you try, you just can’t explain some things as a mother and a woman. Try as you might. I think God himself gives women a sixth sense to compensate for being “the weaker sex”. 

Dr. Moon stretched the small plastic measuring tape over my abdomen to get some base measurements and wrote them down before taking a walkman-looking monitor out of her white coat pocket. 

“I remember Fergus would always hide for us, eh?” The doctor chuckled, “Cheeky devil straight out the gate. Let’s see if his little brother or sister is the same way.” 

My hands went clammy and cold as I gripped onto Jamie’s. The doctor put some gel on the microphone-like end of the monitor and with a big breath and knowing smile at me, she carefully placed it on my tiny bump and began to shift around, gliding the freezing gel along the surface of my skin until I had goosebumps. 

  
  
  
  


_ “I’m sorry, Mrs. Randall…. There’s no heartbeat….”  _

  
  


As sure as someone had spoken the words to me all those years ago, I heard them spoken again in my temporary frozen state. I held my breath as the cold plastic tip poked and prodded my belly at odd angles. 

I felt tears come into my eyes as she passed a spot and a random “whoosh” came out onto the speaker. She quickly went back over the area and smiled in relief. All the muscles in my body relaxed at the noise. 

“There we go! Strong and healthy.” 

Jamie’s hand was a vice grip, I looked up at him as the sound flooded the room. It sounded as loud and strong as a washing machine, the cyclical, rhythmic fluttering of a very fast heartbeat could be heard in the stillness. 

A broad smile filled his whole face and he waved my hand back and forth as if I hadn’t heard it myself yet. He uttered something under his breath in Gaelic and quickly brought my hand to his lips, his own eyes shining with sudden tears. 

“It’s fast, no?” Jamie’s voice was thick with emotion as his eyes widened hearing the quick repetition of sound. 

“Don’t worry, Mr. Fraser, it's supposed to be that fast,” Dr. Moon beamed at him. “Your baby sounds perfect.” 

I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Thank God. 

…………………………………..

It was such a comfort to have Jamie there, Frank had never attended any of my appointments with Fergus. Work was always precedence. Being back in the ob-gyns office brought back memories. Good and bad. As we left, Jamie’s arms were weighed down with the customary pamphlets and charts and prenatal samples and the like. Even though it was mostly paper he insisted I carry nothing. As we passed the wall on the way out, I noted a familiar face on the board of couples who had gone through successful infertility treatments, a wall of thank you notes and christenings to the doctors who made it all possible. 

“Isn’t that-?” 

“Aye it does look like Geillis, haven’t heard from them lately have you?” 

“Huh, no. She hasn’t said anything. Well I guess I better reach out and give her and Arthur my congratulation.” 

My eyes rested on the chubby roll of a baby in Geillis’s arms as she and the elderly Arthur stood smiling against the background of a Christmas tree on the card front. 

Jamie opened the door for me and got in on the driver’s side. He made himself busy with putting the bags and such in the backseat but I could tell he was avoiding my eyes. I swallowed hard against the lump rising in my throat. We drove in silence before he spoke. 

“I dinna want to make you answer anything you might feel is too uncomfortable, Claire. It’s your body, I ken. But….” 

“Ask what you want to, Jamie. I…. I’m sorry. I should have told you, I forgot they’d bring it up.” I said quietly. 

It was a shit excuse and we both knew it. 

I looked over at him, his jaw working and thoughts churning as clearly as if he was saying them out loud. I could tell he was having trouble coming up with the words. 

“Is it….?  _ Was _ it…..?” 

“Yours? Oh Jamie, no. No. It was Frank’s.” I clarified quickly, my heart aching for him to even think I wouldn’t tell him. 

Then again, I never told Frank. I never felt like I could and when I did…. Well, it was too late. 

Jamie’s jaw unclenched and he breathed in slowly. 

“It was… a long time ago. Before Fergus…” 

Jamie nodded, keeping his eyes on the road but I could see the clear-cut blue clouding over at the mention of Frank’s name. 

“Well you can tell me whatever you’d like, Claire. I’ll ‘no pressure you. Whatever is helpful for you, love.” 

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it over the cup holders, holding it tight as we drove home. 

……………………………………………………………….

“I want some coffee, can I make you anything Claire?” 

In typical Jamie fashion, I was wrapped in blankets on the couch in my safe spot and he had a fire started in the hearth to break some of the chill in the house. We had both taken the day off and were making an effort to stay calm before telling Fergus the good news later after Frank dropped him off after his evening visit. 

“Um sure…. Do we have any chai left?” 

“You got it.” 

My nausea hadn’t been so bad today and my stomach was rumbling for the steak Jamie offered to cook for me outside so as not to make me sick. 

Jamie walked over to me holding the cup of pure warmth in his hands, sitting at my feet gently, he sat back onto the couch and took a sip of his coffee. I hesitated, but began slowly. 

“It was 2011... “ My voice was so soft, “I … was in college. Frank didn’t know. I didn’t know how to tell him. I was just working it out when…. When I woke up that day.” 

“Claire, there’s no-” 

“No, I want to tell you this.” 

Jamie bit his lips in and rested a warm hand on my legs. 

“I felt … off that morning. I remember going to the bathroom and just seeing it. Blood was everywhere. There was so much of it I passed out. That’s when I knew. I went to see my doctor and they told me…. No heartbeat…. So I had to have …. Well, the procedure…. I….” 

My throat felt clogged and I gasped in air. My words were coming out in spurts and I could feel the tears surging. 

“Hush, mo chridhe. There’s no need to go on, Claire. I ken…” 

Hot tears ran down my face. 

“I keep thinking to myself, that she wasn’t….  _ wanted _ . That we hadn’t planned for…. Well, anything. And then when that happened, oh God I wanted her so much.” 

I grabbed Jamie’s hand to steady myself. He put our mugs down and gathered me wordlessly into his strong arms, holding me tightly. 

“I feel like ….like God took her away because He knew….” 

“No,” Jamie said surprisingly firmly. “No, Claire. He wouldn’a.” 

I cried into his chest. 

After a while, I stopped. I took a few shuddering breaths then met his eyes again. 

“I should have told you… I… I’m worried for this one.” Jamie’s hands covered mine as I put them gently on my abdomen. “I can’t bear to go through that again and I keep thinking… what if-” 

Jamie shut me up with a kiss, his thumbs stroking my cheeks as he took my face in his hands. He left off by resting his forehead on mine and saying in a deep voice. 

“No. We won’t talk that way, Claire. I won’t allow that.” 

I nodded, quieting down. He was right. 

“Now…. did ye name her, Claire?” 

His voice was soft and he brushed a stray hair off my face, his blue eyes searching my brown ones. He knew me well. 

“Audrey.” 

Jamie smiled slowly, his head nodding, “Aye, that’s a perfect name.” 

“Audrey Grace.” 

“Well, Audrey Grace…. Is part of me now, too.” 

I looked up at him questioningly, the tenderness of his gaze almost made me burst into tears again. 

“Aye. Sassypants, I took on everything that you were the moment I met you. Your hopes, your dreams, your… pain… is mine now. She’ll always be a part of us, eh?” 

I nodded trying in vain to choke down the sob that came bubbling up inside me. 

“We’ll meet her one day, mo chridhe. I bet she’ll be as beautiful as ever, like her mam….. Like this one will be, too.” Jamie bent to kiss my bump and a tear from my cheek fell on his russet curls. 

“And Claire?” His voice was dead serious and urgent. “If you ever want to or need to quit working for a bit you know we’ll be just fine, right?” 

I nodded, I knew. 

“Now,” Jamie smirked, putting the mug of chai in my hands again. “I do believe my bairn had a craving for tea. Let’s ‘no deprive her.” 

I laughed in spite of myself, “She certainly has a sweet tooth.” 

“To counteract all the spice she’ll get from you, Sassypants.” 

Jamie dodged a smack from me. 

“I am not spicy.” 

“Aye, and the sky isn’a blue, Sassypants.” 

My hand collided with his sweatered arm and he gasped in mock offence. 

We sat there in the silence that only comes when two people really understand each other.

...............................................................

### SONNET 98

From you have I been absent in the spring,  
When proud-pied April dress'd in all his trim  
Hath put a spirit of youth in every thing,  
That heavy Saturn laugh'd and leap'd with him.  
Yet nor the lays of birds nor the sweet smell  
Of different flowers in odour and in hue  
Could make me any summer's story tell,  
Or from their proud lap pluck them where they grew;  
Nor did I wonder at the lily's white,  
Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;  
They were but sweet, but figures of delight,  
Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.  
Yet seem'd it winter still, and, you away,  
As with your shadow I with these did play.

-William Shakespeare 

_________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tribute to my own Audrey Grace, who lived briefly inside me in 2012. And to all the women who've never felt they could talk about their losses. We remember you and we remember them by name. You aren't alone


	11. White Lies and Whiskey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a long one, but necessary to connect some dots that are floating around and driving me crazy ;) and no worries, more shall be revealed soon.

“Claire!” 

Geillis squeezed me into a warm hug nearly the second I entered our favorite coffee shop. Our friendship hardly changed, give it months or even years in between us talking or meeting up. 

She stepped backwards to reveal a chunky, robust little ball of a boy who must’ve been six months old babbling in a stroller tucked into a corner table of the shop. 

“William Buccleigh,” Geillis presented proudly showing off her lump of a child. 

“Aww he’s adorable,” I said, eyes twinkling at him. 

I’ll forego commenting on the horrid name of Buccleigh…..

At least they were sensible enough to name the child William as a first name. 

I was the kind of person who loved my own children to death but other people’s? Harder to love them unless they’re related to me. I admit my growing up solo with Uncle Lambert had something to do with my detachment for other people’s infants as I never had any experience with babies until Fergus came along. 

“I’m so happy for you! You have to tell me everything.” 

I hid my own bump conscientiously under my nipped jacket. It had been eight years since I was pregnant. Having given away most of my maternity clothes, I was soldiering on with my looser fitting ones for the time being. It wouldn’t be long before everyone would know. I was carrying higher than before and it was getting apparent. 

Jamie and I had told Fergus last night to a very loud raucous whoop of joy, however we were waiting to tell the general public (or in this case larger friend group including Geillis) until after we had a chance to meet up with Ian and Jenny this weekend. 

I ordered a vanilla latte and we cozied down to talk, I was glad to be free to Fergus for an evening. Jamie would go into work later that night but in the meantime, I left the boys at home playing Mario on the Switch. 

Geillis’s red hair had grown about a foot and she looked glowing and happy as she related, in sometimes horrifying detail, the intricacies of procreating with her much-older husband Arthur. That was Geillis though, I laughed and tried not to cringe or picture the 70 year old Arthur and her doing anything remotely resembling the act of making a baby. 

“Finally we had to do IVF and after two rounds…. Well, here he is!” 

“I’m so glad it finally happened for you two, I had no idea you guys were trying way back when we did the show.” I made a face at William who burst into a gummy grin at me. 

Ok, maybe he was a little cute. 

“Oh yeah, it took forever! But what’s new with you, girl. I am so glad you texted me, it’s been too long. I saw on Facebook you two got married, bad on me for not reaching out yet.” 

I shook my head, “No need, Geillis, I’ve been the bad friend here. I’ve been awful about keeping in touch after the show and then with everything.” 

I gestured to thin air to the nonexistent space in which my divorce all all THAT drama was held. She nodded understandingly. 

“How’s work lately?” 

“Oh the usual, I’m lucky the school’s letting me take some time here and there for appointments and such. Jamie actually left the print shop…” 

“Really?” Geillis blinked her bright green eyes in surprise. 

“Yes,” My hands almost instinctively went to my belly but I stopped them from stroking the bump I had grown accustomed to. “Leave it to Jamie to get caught up in security work for some uppity city guy, Lord John Gray. Apparently the guy’s a lord, isn’t that crazy? Here in Boston?” 

Geillis threw her pretty little head back and laughed in a slight cackle. 

“Now that’s too good. What’s he doing with Jamie? I mean… it’s a far cry from print work.” 

“Oh, here’s the worst bit. Has him working for someone called “G”, Geneva Dunsany. Never heard of her in my life but she-” I noted Geillis’s face turned positively white, “Hey are you okay?” 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. It’s just… I’ve heard about her. She’s a nasty business, Claire. Jamie ought to be careful with that one.” 

My heart sank upon hearing this, “He’s told me she’s a spoiled little asshole but beyond that… not much.” 

Geillis sighed and nodded knowingly. “Well, I’d ask him again, Claire. She’s a nasty woman, that one. I wonder what she has him doing for her…” 

Geillis trailed off and her smile faded as she looked upon William, her thin face looking sad for the first time since I’d met her. 

“Bodyguard, he goes with her to events and such and this Lord John pays him for it, so technically they’re both his employers. Can I get you anything? A muffin? Hun, you really do look pale…” 

Geillis shook off the chill that had wrapped itself around her like a shroud as she picked William up out of the stroller and dawdled him on her lap lovingly. 

“I’m fine, Claire. Now…. when were YOU going to tell me?” Geillis winked at me playfully. 

“Er… what?” I said unconvincingly. 

“You’re pregnant, Claire. I know a woman should NEVER ask another woman that question but…. I recognize the face when I see it. Also um… your boobs are huge and you’re not the type to go under the knife… soooo.” 

I laughed softly, “I am. Almost three months.” 

“Claire! Congratulations. Oh God, I’m so happy for you two.” 

I blushed, it felt good to talk of so openly. As we pushed through to more pleasant topics of conversation, Geillis and I laughed and recounted funny moments from the past year catching up with each other. Still, my mind wandered to her sudden mood change and what she had said about G…..

  
  


…………………………………………………..

  
  


“Jamie.” 

Jamie looked up from his pensive stare off into the closet as he got dressed for that evening. One perk of this job was getting to see my husband dress up every night, the drawback was that I was not the one out and about alongside him. 

“Hmm?” 

“Geneva…. “ I wasn’t sure how to phrase this question without sounding jealous, but I _was_ jealous of how much time this single woman was spending with my husband while I stayed home as the dutiful wife and mother. 

“Has she… has she ever made a move on you?” 

Jamie was quiet for a moment then breathed out slowly, “Aye.” 

My heart hit the floor with a thud, I didn’t know what to say but tears quickly sprang to my eyes. 

“At least, I thought she had but I told her right away it was inappropriate.” 

“And did she get the drift?” 

“Yes, Sassypants. I swear. Nothing inappropriate has happened since.” 

“So it was inappropriate. Not just a “move” like an innocent one….” 

Jamie ran his fingers through his hair and cringed. 

“Yes. No…. I think so.” 

I groaned aloud, “And when were you going to tell me?” 

“Claire, I have it under control, ok? I swear. I told her if she ever did anything like that again I’d quit.” 

“You can’t quit.” I teared up and my voice raised a little, “I know you can’t Jamie. As much as I hate it, this is what we need for our family right now.” 

“Sassypants,” Jamie said softly. “I promise you, I will quit. We’ll find a way, darling.” 

His lips brushed my forehead and he pulled me into a hug. 

“I’d do it all again, you know. Us. This. Lallybroch. I’ve never been happier, Claire.” 

I clung to him, “Me neither. I just… worry.” 

“I swear by Almighty God, Claire. I willna let it happen again. I promise you. G is nothing but a spoiled child and I ken how to handle children.” 

“It’s not _you_ I’m worried about…. Some women have no decency.” 

“Now you sound like Jenny.” Jamie’s eyes twinkled, his humor annoyed me at that moment. 

“And if she hears about it, you’ll never hear the end of it, James Fraser. Just… be safe, ok?” 

“You needn’t worry, Claire. I promise.” 

Jamie kissed my wild curls and continued to get ready, I saw his phone buzz on the nightstand and glanced at it. 

_Lord JG: Find library yet? Talk soon._

Library? What the hell was my husband up to? 

I so desperately wanted to tell him not to go that night but I remained silent. 

I’ll always regret that choice. 

  
  


…………………………………………………..

I was in a foul mood entering G’s suite that night, in spite of my reassurance to my wife I felt none too eager to be back at the same place as my employer. 

I was determined to get in and out in record time, I just needed a way to bypass the biometrics on the lock upstairs with her fingerprints. Whatever Lord John wanted, it surely had to be there. I needed a way in. 

This was not my first rodeo bypassing security systems. First, I needed a sample. G and I would have a drink that night and I would need to play into her hands for the advantage. One fingerprint. That’s all I needed. I could create a synthetic one to bypass the system from it out of silicone and a laser etcher I knew I could access at a local STEM lab on campus at the university near G’s place. 

How hard would it be to secure a fingerprint? 

As I entered the penthouse, I heard voices arguing. 

She wasn’t alone this time and I was positive it wasn’t her feline companion yelling insults from the staircase above the foyer. 

“I loved you, damnit, G!” A woman’s voice screamed out as the footsteps pounded down the staircase and rushed at me. 

A comely blonde in a red dress with flames in her eyes rushed the foyer in a desperate attempt to get her stilettos on and grab her coat. 

Geneva appeared from the upper landing and surveyed the woman with a matched fire in her own blue eyes. 

“Love? Love doesn’t fuck every woman with tits, Laura.” 

I sidestepped to let Laura through, she grabbed onto the door and controlled a sob as she looked back at G through tear-stained cheeks and running mascara. 

“I shouldn’t have told you, I knew you’d be overdramatic about this! I swear nothing happened.” 

“Well I have footage that says otherwise,” Geneva growled through clenched teeth. “We’re through Laura, get out. I’ll be sending your things in the mail, no need to come back, baby.” 

Laura drew in a shaky breath and slammed the door as she left. 

I wasn’t sure where to look but I cautiously looked up at G who was back in her robe and clutching it over her naked form. My mind skipped around a few times but then realized that I had encountered a breakup… a very _human_ breakup….between G and her paramour. 

Geneva pinched the area between her eyebrows with her tiny white fingers and held up a hand at me. 

“No need, Malcolm. Give me a moment.” 

I opened my mouth and quickly closed it again, my hands in my pockets. The look of pain on G’s face honestly made me feel for the woman. 

“I’m sorry, Ma’am….G… I didn’t ken….” 

“That I was gay? Yeah…. Told you you weren’t my type, love. I don’t like dick.”

For someone just going through a breakup, she was remarkably calm. Composing herself quickly she trotted down the stairs and went straight to the kitchen to get out a bottle at the very back of a cabinet. 

“I won’t be going tonight, so there’s no need for you to stay, unless…” Her blue eyes flashed my way and she grinned weakly. It was the first actual human response I’d honestly seen in her. “You want a drink with me, please? I’m not pathetic enough to drink alone.” 

“Um… sure?” I said hesitantly, I was still on the job but I recognized the bottle as a Laphroiag 1960. 

I tried not to let my eyes bug out of my head. A bottle of that easily went for 6,000 pounds sterling at an auction Ian and I followed out of curiosity a month ago. 

Leave it to Geneva to have something like that. 

She poured two shots and came back to sit opposite me on the couch, I took the one glass she handed me and eyed her own as her little fingers wrapped around the top of the glass. 

It would be a shame if she left a very identifiable print on that glass…… 

I had to stay. 

Her own admission of sexuality given, I was actually relieved. 

“Your mind is working so fast I can hear it over here, might as well speak up Alex.” 

I wasn’t used to being called by my middle name but my eyes shot up to hers. 

“Tell me about yourself, with you spending so much time with me I know hardly anything.” 

I doubted that was true, however I took a sip of the incredibly smooth whiskey and watched G down hers in one go and pour herself another one. She was going hard tonight. 

“Well, I’m a simple man….” 

“Married, right?” 

She had taken that into account. 

“Aye.” 

“Any children?” 

I puffed up my daddy chest and smiled, “Aye, a boy… seven. And one on the way.” 

“Congratulations.” G actually smiled. 

I blushed in spite of myself, envisioning Claire’s growing belly. Just looking at her was awe-inspiring with her new glow, she beamed and I couldn’t show her off more proudly. There was something incredibly sexy about her I couldn’t quite place my finger on, even more than usual. Maybe it was the fact that it was another sign to the world that she was mine. 

“Thanks.” 

“Must be exciting,” G cocked her head at me. 

“It is.” 

Before long, the awkward, stilted conversation transformed into more casual banter as Geneva had more of the pricey whiskey. I kept to my one glass rule, regretting I wasn’t home with Claire and in a place to have more. But no… tonight, I needed my wits about me. I relaxed into the couch, as long as I was getting paid might as well let her ramble into drunken oblivion. I would head out in a bit after the fingerprint was procured and G was safe asleep. 

There was no way it was going to be long considering how much she had drank in such a limited amount of time. 8…..9 shots in, she yawned. 

“Might I ask ye a question?” 

G nodded, “Why not.” 

“Why’d ye drop the towel if ye were gay? I ken ye were coming onto me.” I played up the accent and the charm for her to further drop her guard. 

G laughed hysterically. 

“To see your face. God it was priceless.” 

I bristled slightly, "I see.” 

“Bad form and whatnot, you can hate me for it. But God, life gets so boring. I needed some fun.” 

G hiccupped and rolled her eyes, a slight slur in her words as she yawned again. 

“My turn.” 

“Okay.” I admitted. Fair was fair, I was in it for the end result. Whiskey fairly reeked from her and I could smell it as far away as I was sitting. 

“Have you always gone by Alexander Malcolm?” 

I stopped short, “Aye, or Alex.” 

“Hmmm.” 

“Why?” 

“Reminds me of an ex I had… Alex…. Or Alexa, can’t quite place it.” G sighed. “Damn shame with Laura. I liked her.” 

“What happened?” 

“I am not drunk enough for that Mister Malcolm, do pour another?” G lifted her glass above her head and swayed. 

I obliged her and took liberty to ask the one question I really wanted to ask. 

“So what’s with the rooms upstairs?” 

“Mmm,” Geneva stretched languidly on the couch. “Wanna see?” 

My ears perked up. 

“Yes.” 

Geneva stood wobbly at first then more sure of herself. I half wondered if she’d be able to make it up the staircase. I followed close behind her but didn’t say a word, unperturbed by her gown this time I watched her intently as she placed her hand on the scanner and a series of clicks could be heard from the other side of the door. 

The room was goddamn Gringotts bank. 

I held my breath as the door opened inwards to reveal a bunker of a room with a light in the very center of it. A while chaise lounge was in the middle along with a single, round end table upon which was a single manila folder. I couldn't see the name on the label. I entered cautiously, G stood behind me. 

“Welcome to my library.” 

The walls were one story high with elaborate built in bookshelves. But not one single book was to be seen. The room was incredibly empty and I let my mouth hang open in confusion. 

“But where…?” 

“Oh I don’t need books, Mister Fraser." 

G’s voice was suddenly not slurred and I turned to see her lock the door behind her, trapping me inside with her. 

A sudden terror struck my heart as I realized my mistake. The woman had to be part demon to not be affected by that much drink. Whatever the case, Geneva certainly had her wits about her. Her blue eyes, laser sharp and focused on my face as she called me by my name. My real one. 

G laughed, the noise seemed odd as the humor didn’t reach her eyes. She was alert like a cat with a new fish bowl set in front of them. Her tiny finger went to her temple and she tapped it lightly for effect. 

“It’s all in here.” 


	12. The Green Beret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes stories come along and can be thought about from a warm and dry place, taken apart and put back together into neat little bundles. Those are few and far between. For myself, I find that I write best through the pain. The memory of scars that sear into my mind as sure as if they were burn marks on my arms. I touch them lightly, my fingers cautiously thrilling the surface of each scar until the hum of life is brought back, roaring and ready to be set free. To give voice to pain gives you the power to wield it into something you can use. Something tangible. With a lump in my throat and a pen in my hand, I enter once more to the place where all memory lies.

I was barely alive when he found me.

I had sunk unconsciously onto the floor, my hands tied above my head to the meat hook and chain hanging from the ceiling of the freezer. It was barely running but the chill was enough to save me. I learned later that it aided in the coagulation of blood that pooled from the stripes they had ripped into my back with barbed wire. The cold saved me.

I was in and out of sweet relief and blackness when Cochran found me. 

“Fraser, Fraser! Dang, son. What they do to you?” 

I groaned deeply as my body jostled with sudden movement, my head lolled against something sturdy. 

I had never been more happy to hear a friendly voice in all my life. Then I realized he was in danger. 

“Peter,” my voice sounded low and strained with pain. My throat hurt from the lack of water and the screams they had ripped from my mouth as they tore me. “You need to go.” 

“Not without you, pal.” 

“Leave me.” 

“Now I know you’re talkin’ crazy, Fraser.” Peter’s dark face came into view, his bright eyes lit up my semi-consciousness as he gripped my forearms and twisted the chains off the hook above nearly ripping my shoulders out of socket. 

I winced and the pain burned white hot in my eyes. 

“I can’t leave my brother behind.” Peter bent low and with a grunt picked me up in a fireman’s hold and we left. I opened one eye to look at the dirt and dust as he ran before blood from my back spilled over my face and covered everything in warmth and acid. 

I had no idea how he found the place, it had been a solid week since I left in the middle of the night to start an infiltration cover. No one in my battalion knew I was a Green Beret, least of all Peter. As it should be. The less they knew the better. 

The people we had found were cold, hard and calculating. They tortured me for hours before letting me hang there to die slowly. I slipped again into the inky blackness of oblivion, this time welcoming it as Peter jostled my broken body to safety. 

The next voice I heard above me was Ian’s, I lay in an Iraqi hospital with more drugs in me than I’d care to know about. I could feel my face tingle from them. My tongue felt swollen with lack of use. I coughed. 

“Jamie? Oh thank God. Jamie. Can you hear me?” 

I groaned in reply and opened both eyes, my back was so bandaged I could scarcely move. 

“Peter.” 

Ian’s face fell at the word. 

“Don’t worry about it, Jamie you rest now-”

“No. Ian, the truth. Now. Where is Cochran.” 

Ian’s blue eyes appeared over mine and he swallowed hard, “He… he went back for the other man… there was an explosion. Jamie, I’m so..so sorry.” 

I gulped against the needles in my throat and face, setting my jaw I breathed in sharply. I closed my eyes but all I saw was Peter with Latrice on their wedding day, he loved showing that one off. No more than kids but so in love. Son of a gun looked happier than I’d ever seen a man as he wrapped his arms around his new wife. He told us over and over about the son they had on the way. Now he would never see his child. 

“Ian. Get me out of here.” 

“No, you’re in no place to go-” Ian’s voice sounded frantic as his hand gripped mine. 

“Now. I’m leaving now.” 

They would pay. 

…………………………………………………………………………..

G smirked as she walked closer to me. 

“Think I didn’t know exactly who you were, James Fraser?” 

She walked over to a little desk in the corner and waved her hand over a keyboard looking thing. 

“When I said it’s all in my head, I mean the knowledge… however, I do have a few little tricks up my sleeve. Literally. It’s part of me.” 

There was something in her arm that activated a chirping sound. A giant screen came down from the ceiling above, a pure sheet of glass. G spoke to her wrist. 

“James Fraser.” 

Nothing happened. 

“I’m sorry,” G nodded curtly to me, “James _Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie_ Fraser.” 

The first image to pop up was a larger than life selection of the military database of myself wearing the Green Beret. To my knowledge no one had that photo. 

“Six-foot-three, favorite color is hunter green, oh and get this… loves to sing along to Elton on the highway. Is that true?” 

I didn’t move, or blink or act like I heard her. My eyes stayed transfixed to the screen in front of me. I knew what was coming next. My heart leapt when Claire's image came flashing onto the screen. She looked so bonny in her wedding dress, hair in a low bun off to one side pinned up with blue flowers. Forget-Me-Nots. My heart ached to see her or hear her, to be home to be anywhere but there with whatever sick game G was playing. 

“Claire. That’s your wife isn’t she? You guys fucked around behind her ex’s back, or so I heard.” 

G swiped up with her hand to change the image to a security camera shot of me standing over Frank’s unmoving body with Claire beside me. It was right after he put his hands on her, but that’s not what this looked like. 

G tapped her finger on the table and suddenly the picture burst into life. I turned and gave Frank the right hook time and time again, backwards and forwards. 

“Nice one.” 

I bristled, how did she get this? 

“Oh now here’s one of my favorites, you two picking up Fergus from school. Isn’t that cute?” 

G’s eyes shone with malevolence, her face twisted into a sarcastic smirk that I wanted to snuff out. 

My blood boiled, she shouldn’t have access to any of this. How long had she been following me? 

“What do you want from me.” 

It wasn’t a question, rather a demand. A plea to make the photos stop. 

“Nothing.” G blinked innocently at me, “Not yet anyway. I quite like our little arrangement and it makes sure dear John pays you prettily. I quite like having some muscle in my corner here.” 

I bit my lips in and heaved my shoulders around uncomfortably in my jacket. 

“Now I don’t ken what you’re playing at, lass but I’ll have none of it.” 

I turned to walk out the door that was undoubtedly locked behind her, to my surprise my hand was able to swiftly pull it open. 

“I wouldn’t lock you here, Jamie. I like you.” 

“Funny way to show it.” I bristled. 

“Maybe…. But I do think you wonder if I know about it, am I right?” 

“I don’t ken what you’re talking-” 

The piercing screams shut me up. The video was blurry and the technology was bad at best, however I knew exactly what she was showing me. The same screams haunted my nightmares. 

On the screen, a dark blur of a man ripped through an abandoned warehouse. In one hand, a crude hatchet. In the other, a handgun with a silencer on it. One, two, three bodies piled up in just as many seconds. There was the sickening crack of someone’s head against cement and from the sound of it, I could once more feel my face being sprayed with the warm oil-slick consistency of human blood. I could taste the fragments of skull upon my lips as I became something other than human tearing the life out of these helpless men. 

I had been a man on fire, a wildfire burning whatever it touched. I remember the tremors of my arm, the opening of the flesh on my back with blood oozing from the bandages as the hits from the hatchet reverberated through my body. I looked away from the video, I didn’t need to see it to hear the sickening crunch of the metal through the spinal column as I detached the head from the body of one of the Iraqis and threw it into a corner. 

“I can see the headlines now, Jamie Fraser, war hero…..or criminal. You decide.” 

I swallowed hard, fighting the tears in my eyes. Yes, she knew. 

“Did it feel any better facing his widow? Do their screams follow you into your dreams…. Into your bed with Claire? Into your sex life….” 

In one stride, I crossed the room. My hand shot out and curled around Geneva’s throat pinning her in midair. I could fling her against a wall and end her miserable existence now. 

I should break her, just like those men broke me and it would still be too good for her. 

G broke into a smile and coughed slightly as I set her back down again. 

I bent to her face, my nose inches from her own as I towered over her, chest heaving. 

“I’ll ask ye again. What do you want from me?” 

“The continued protection of my body,” G rubbed her neck with a tiny white hand, “And I won’t share any of this. Not with Claire. Not with anyone.” 

“And if I quit?” 

“Why quit?” G shook her head at me in disbelief, “I swear I don’t understand men. You get everything you want and your secret is safe.” 

I pursed my brow. 

“I don’t understand.” 

“You will,” G nodded simply. In a moment the screen went off and she walked out of the room. I stood transfixed, feeling punched in the gut. 

………………………………………

The green beret meant a brotherhood of tightly knit soldiers sent in specifically to kill and take out what normal troops could not. I knew what it was. Only Dougal had known, not even Ian. Not Peter Cochran. I had slipped out at night from them and returned to another mission without them knowing and yet Peter followed me. I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t. He would be alive today if he hadn’t….

The dichotomy that twisted my soul into an angry mess of pure hatred for the Kurds that had taken me hostage. I had bared my soul onto one trauma specialist and then, just to complete a check mark on my “return to civilian life” docket. Discharged with honor. Medical issues, that was my life. 

It had taken a full year for my back to heal. 

I attended Peter’s funeral and shook the hand of his wife and looked upon his newborn son with my back still oozing from the bandages. 

I couldn’t look her in the eyes as she took my hands warmly and thanked me for my friendship to Peter. As they played Taps, I burned my eyes into the American flag he loved so much, being folded and neatly put away into a triangle. To frame and give to the family in place of their husband and their father. It was meaningless. All of it. 

I was glad I did it. Glad I ripped them to shreds. Glad of every aching bone and muscle in my body after I had done it. I, James Fraser, had brought justice upon the men who had killed him. In doing so, I damned my own soul to hell, or at the very least purgatory. 

My bleeding soul had healed when I met Claire, when Fergus and her gave me a reason to live. I was alive again, I was new. But I couldn’t run. Not from this. 

If anyone found out I would be locked away for war crimes at the very least. I had murdered at least five men that night I was not instructed to kill or even be in the vicinity of. War was a brutal friend, a fiend that covered all sins. That morning brought more bombs to the area and all buildings were destroyed, conveniently for me. 

I stayed with Ian and was sent home and no one was the wiser. 

But I was. 

And now G knew. 

My sins had finally found me out. 

I got to my car that night and punched the dashboard, cursing aloud. 

It had started raining. As I turned on my wipers, the hum of the rain on the windshield and the swish of the mechanics reminded me of another sound. 

My bairn’s heartbeat. 

I wept openly on the way home alone in the car thinking of what I’d done. 

God had forgiven me, in my deepest prayers and fervent cries I heard him tell me to, "Go and sin no more." 

For years I had. I had touched no weapon, I had hurt no one. And here I was now with a handgun attached to my body and a hatred that scared me seeping through my veins. If Claire knew, would she love me? Would she want to be with a man who was little more than a savage and too hurt to care? What would she think if she knew of the blood that truly ran in our babe's veins was that of a killer? 

Would she love me? Was it enough that I loved her? 

I thought of G. 

The protection of her body would cost me my soul if I stayed. If I left, it would cost me my whole life. 


	13. Spoons

I had noticed Jamie’s mood shift for the past few weeks, by April there was a marked change in him. He slept less and less and often, when I would get up at night to use the bathroom, I would hear the television on downstairs and find him asleep on the couch. 

I was well versed in insomnia, Lord knows I’ve gone through it myself, but it always stung a bit to know he wasn’t able to stay in bed with me. 

One Sunday afternoon, the Murray gang headed over to Lallybroch after we had shared the news with them over the phone. Jenny insisted on coming right away and bringing her happy tornado of a family with her. 

“Claire! Ye’re glowing, love, can I?” Jenny’s round face burst into a thousand dimples and she stuck her hands out at the ready to assault my growing bump under the light spring wrap dress I had just bought. 

“Yes,” I laughed. 

“Oh my lord in heavens, yer carrying low so I say it’s a boy. Ian, don’t ye think it’s a boy?” 

Ian opened his mouth and stammered, unable to make any sort of comment on HOW I was carrying and rightly so. 

He turned and slapped Jamie on the back, “Congratulations, brother. Claire you look radiant. We’re so pleased to hear your news.” 

I glowed and my hand found Jamie’s as he grew closer to me, wrapping his arms around me from behind and resting them on my midsection. 

Fergus ran out in a tiger mask and the cousins ran off screaming in joy at each other, even wee Maggie. I managed to scoop her up and plant a kiss on her rosy cheek before she scrambled down from my belly perch and ran away, bumping into the doorframe of the kitchen as she went. 

“Och, watch yerself, lass. All trouble that one, let me tell ye.” Jenny shook her head in dismay. 

Ian set a long wooden box on the granite counter and looked at us expectantly. 

Jamie’s mouth fell open. 

“Ye didn’t.” 

“We did!” Jenny exclaimed. “Ian had to wade through all the Christmas decorations to find it, but when I heard the news I knew ye must have them, Jamie. They’re rightfully yours anyway as the eldest son.” 

A brief look of sadness passed over her face as she described the loss of Jamie’s older brother, William. As far as I had known, he had died as a young child and Jamie was only a baby himself when it happened. 

Sadness gone, Jenny opened the box proudly, showcasing a dozen tiny spoons in sterling silver on a background of red velvet. 

“A gift for the bairn. Nan had these saved from Scotland and I was waiting for the right moment to give them to ye.” 

“They’re beautiful.” I said. 

“Aye.” Jamie smiled, shaking his head. “I barely remember them but all the bairns in the family used them, going back to our grandsire and even his father before him.” 

I leaned over and saw that each spoon had one of the twelve apostles fashioned on each handle in exquisite detail. Jenny must have shined them up just before bringing them over. Her kindness was always astounding. 

I felt a wave of appreciation flood me and tears came to my eyes, “Thank you, Jenny. Ian. I’m sorry, I’m just… really emotional these days…” 

Jenny hugged me soundly, “Ye’ve a right to be, love. Ye’re creatin’ a new life inside ye, ye’ve a right to be whatever ye want when it comes to emotions.” 

If only she knew. 

Pregnancy was certainly as glamorous as I remembered it. The morning sickness had not subsided and I found myself with a brand new smattering of “freckles” in the shape of broken blood vessels from how violently I had been ill for so long. Dr. Moon was right at the last appointment, it looked like this pregnancy would be as difficult as Fergus’s had been. I had kept that information to myself though, not wanting to burden Jamie. 

A twinge of sadness went through me, we shared everything up till a few months ago and now…

I looked to my husband, busy laughing and talking with Ian and Jenny, it was the first time I had seen him truly happy in a while. He tried faking it around me, but I could see right through it to his sad eyes. I cursed Lord John almost daily, wishing Jamie was back at the print shop with Ian. Sure we had worries, but I had my husband happy and whole. 

Each time he got ready to leave, his face fell and I knew he was seriously hiding his feelings about it all. 

I stroked my belly thoughtfully and went back to playing the part of the glowing pregnant wife. Glowing was an understatement as I experienced a hot flash that made even my boobs sweat and a wave of nausea turned my face green mid-smile.

Oh the wonders of womanhood. 

……………………………………………………

I had no idea what I was doing, my hand paused at the giant brass knocker. I had told Mr. Wotring I needed the afternoon off from teaching to run to the doctor for a prenatal checkup when in fact, it was not for another week or two. The drive into the city was pleasant and I let the windows down as the April breeze flooded the car and made it easier to breathe against the constant nausea I felt. 

Luckily work was great about letting me off when I needed it. 

Even as I turned the keys over in my Subaru, I thought twice before heading out that day. I had looked up Helwater on maps and plugged in the directions to my GPS. Lord John would be in the garden before I got there, maybe I would catch him off guard and manage a meeting. 

  
  


My mouth fell open as I drove into the estate, full of hyacinths and blooming cherry trees. It was beautiful. Like something straight out of an Austen novel, I cautiously rounded the main drive and made my way to the gravel circle in front of the great house. 

I slid out of the Subaru with mild difficulty, my stomach now vying for first out of the car with my bag, with some awkwardness I approached the front door and lifted my hand to knock. 

The great doors opened inwards and a man, more beautiful than handsome, appeared. 

“Mistress Fraser, how lovely of you to join me.” 

“But-I…” 

“Don’t worry, I have some ...special intell on my house, naturally. I knew you’d be by eventually, I just didn’t know when.” 

“Lord John?” 

“Of course.” The man nodded, grabbing excessively round glasses before heading out the door and motioning for me to take his arm. 

“Do take a turn with me, you’re just in time for my daily promenade.” 

I stifled a giggle at his language, but took his arm nonetheless. 

Jamie was right, this man in the coral suit and teal paisley tie was very flamboyant, but not unkind in any way. Although I had resented him for ages, actually meeting Lord John I found it hard to stay mad at this flippant thin person in front of me. 

“Jamie told me you were in delicate condition, so naturally if you get tired at all just let me know and we’ll head back straightaway, Mrs. Fraser.” 

“Claire, please.” I interrupted. 

“Claire. Call me John.” 

I took a deep breath in as we rounded the bend of the house and came upon a delightful maze of grape hyacinths and crocuses laid out amongst pearly white statues. The garden itself was straight out of a painting of the Rococo style. 

“I see you have an appreciation for my garden, Mistress Fraser, but I doubt that’s why you’re here.” Lord John’s blue eyes looked up at the sun and squinted beneath his glasses as he watched a barn swallow swoop and tumble into the long grass coming up bright green outside the path. 

“No, um.” I wasn’t sure how to begin, “You see, I wanted to talk with you because I’ve noticed some… troubling behavior from Jamie since he started working for G and I wanted to make sure he was alright.” 

“Did you not ask him yourself?” 

“Naturally,” I said, taking on John’s affectations thinking I may be better received by him if I did so. 

“And?” 

“And he won’t talk of it. I have to ask, why Jamie?” 

“He’s the best man.” John shrugged, “For the job and for me… I mean, US. Geneva is highly satisfied with his work and I can’t say I blame her.” 

“He’s not sleeping.” I said sharply. “He barely talks, I’m worried that mentally this isn’t a good fit. Can’t you move him to another project?” 

John smiled sadly, “Unfortunately, no. He’s needed there. Now I can assure you Jamie is perfectly safe….” 

“What about when he’s in the library?” 

John blinked at me and stopped abruptly next to a ceramic birdbath in the center of mossy stones. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Just answer the question.” I was surprised by my moxie more than usual, but my hormones gave me a boost of adrenaline as I confronted him. 

“Seems he’s sharing more with you than he should…” John began, displeased. 

“My husband and I have no secrets,” I lied. 

“Then you’ll be well protected from Geneva.”

I swallowed, the truth starting to dawn on me. 

“What does she have on you?” 

John shifted uncomfortably in his coral jacket. 

“Erm, let’s just say an ex lover of mine ran into a little problem with the law and would like very much for me to take the fall for it instead of him.” 

I frowned, “Oh.” 

“The library is where she stores her information, I’d dearly like to get anything I can before the law gets involved.” 

“So you involve my husband.” 

“Look, Mistress Fraser, he was highly suggested to me by my friend Dougal MacKenzie and I have to say he’s doing an excellent job.” 

A wave of nausea came over me and I doubled over instantly with a mild stomach cramp. 

“Claire, are you alright?” 

I waved him off with a hand. 

“I’m fine. I should go though.” 

I stood up straight and shook his hand promptly. 

“Sorry I bothered you, John. It was lovely meeting you and please,” I looked into his eyes intently, “if there’s any chance you can move Jamie to another position, I’m begging you. Please. For me.” 

John frowned slightly but nodded, “Trust me, Claire. I care about him, too. Any hint he’s in trouble, he’s got backup. Trust me.” 

I nodded as John helped me back to my car and was kind enough to open the door for me. My mind was buzzing but I was not untouched by his kindness when I had all but ambushed him. To be fair, this was all getting to me and I was uncomfortable with how much everyone but me seemed to know about everyone else. 

I bristled slightly as I waved and left the drive behind me in the rearview mirror. 

“Why trust me, I’m only your wife, Jamie.” I gritted my teeth. 

One more stop to go on my quest for truth. 

………………

I pulled into Geillis’s brownstone mansion in town and went to yet another door knocker that day where I was not expected. I heard the familiar shrieks of a toddler as she hastened to the door, her hair in a messy bun and her face without a trace of her usual mascara. 

“Claire! Come in! Everything alright?” 

“To be honest, no.” My throat was thick with emotion, thankfully Geillis was the sort of friend who didn’t judge me as I took off my shoes and placed my purse on the floor. I headed straight to the kitchen sink and washed my hands, putting some cold water on my neck before looking at her. 

“I’ve missed you!” 

“Oh, hun,” I had tears in my eyes and lunged into her hug, “Me too. Thanks for not judging me here.” 

“Never!” Geillis patted my back and held me close as William screeched and ran amok in the living room. 

She poured a glass of water for me in the sink and ushered me into the living room to sit in a giant overstuffed armchair that was looking exactly how I felt. 

“I’d say you were glowing but we both know you’re not okay, so spill, Chicky.” 

I looked to the vaulted ceiling and blinked back tears. 

“I think I'm losing my husband. Fuck,” I instantly put a hand over my mouth, “Sorry.” 

“It’s alright, love. Take your time.” 

I took in a shaky breath and began, I told her everything. The whole tale, all throughout she didn’t blink, but stared and nodded intently. 

“I knew she would be nothing but bad news, Claire. That’s what she does.” 

“Blackmails people?” 

Geillis nodded before looking over her shoulder, “Hun, what I’m about to tell you can’t go anywhere, okay?” 

I nodded, leaning forward and taking a sip of water for the first time in ten minutes. 

“Arthur and I had trouble conceiving, I told you that before, yes?” 

“I remember.” 

“Well……” Geillis lowered her voice even further. “William, he isn’t….. Isn’t Arthur’s.” 

I opened my mouth several times and nothing came out but pure air. 

“Who…?” 

Geillis shook her head, “I won’t say, but it’s a friend of ours. Arthur has no idea and well… Geneva found out somehow and I had to actually pay her two grand to keep her silent. It was awful, Claire.” 

Geillis’s green eyes welled up, “I wanted a baby more than anything and that one… mistake… made Arthur and I happier than we’ve been in years. A real family, Claire. God I hate her.” 

I stood up and quickly went to her and held her hands, “I won’t tell a soul.”

“As long as we keep secrets, she has power. Claire, I don’t know about Jamie but you have to talk with him. Please. And I need to talk to Arthur. I’m done hiding this shit, girl.” 

I hugged her close as we both cried. 

She was right. Two is better than one and with Geneva, the more the better. Whatever secret my husband was hiding, I would find it. I would bear it with him. 

_Till death do us part, right?_

A sudden pain hit me in the lower abdomen like a pinch, I bent over with how sharp it was. Geillis’s eyes widened and she grabbed my arm. 

“Claire, are you alright?” 

I shook my head. 

“Second time today, I’m not sure what’s happening. Oh God.” 

The room seemed to shrink as I looked at her and saw black spots appear over her face. 

_Shit._

I fumbled in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, “Dr. Moon. Then Jamie.” 

Geillis quickly gathered William’s things and pushed me into her minivan as we drove quickly down the lane.

"Jamie, can you meet us? We're on the way to the doctors. Now."

Another spasm took over and I cringed, closing my eyes tightly. 

I could hear Jamie’s worried voice rising on the other end of the phone, Geillis took over for me as tears poured from my eyes. My hands shook in desperation and I dug my nails into my palms to stop them from quaking in fear. 

_Not now. No. No. No. Not this time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope to update soon since I'm under quarantine but just FYI my home got hit with COVID this week. So far we're all ok but my creativity may be gone for a while while we recover, thanks for the patience if there's some time before the next update!


	14. The Quickening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of Fraser fluff in the middle of this chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My son's ultrasound image is featured in the cover photo for this one!

I was rushed into the office while Geillis and William stayed in the waiting room for Jamie. I held back tears as I was rushed to the back of the office. We were just across from the hospital but Dr. Moon was in today and wanted to see me as soon as possible. 

I slipped off my trousers and underwear quickly to get ready for an exam when I noticed a drop of bright red blood on my underwear. Sickeningly bright in the fluorescent lights of the exam room. I yelled shakily for the nurse and held her hand as she helped me get situated for the exam. Not enough credit is given to these silent warriors, the nurses who have held my hand, watched me puke, cleaned me up and aided in so much more than healthcare in all my time as a mother. 

“I need to see my baby, I need to make sure she’s alright!" 

My voice shook in my ears as I gripped her cold just-washed hands. 

My doctor rushed in bringing another nurse behind her with a clipboard furiously taking notes as she was dictated to by my ob-gyn. 

Where was Jamie? 

My heart was screaming for him over and over as I held back the tears and bit my lower lip to bleeding waiting in agony. Thankfully, there was nothing more than a drop of blood and after a thorough, albeit painful exam, Dr. Moon’s pinched looking face settled into a calm expression. 

Jamie burst into the room in a state of disarray as the doctor slid the ultrasound device around on my belly and we all saw a flutter of lights and activity as the image on the screen twitched and jerked quickly at the invisible intrusion. 

I put a hand over my mouth and burst into tears. 

“Taing Dhia.” Jamie uttered under his breath, his face pale in the medicinal light of the office.

He grabbed my hand in relief but I had a hard time looking at him, he raised an eyebrow to me but returned paying close attention to the doctor's words. Dr. Moon raised her invisible blonde eyebrows at me and looked rather pointedly into my face with a searching gaze. I could tell she was trying to convey the seriousness of my circumstance without raising the alarm altogether. 

“Of course we’ll run more tests but I want you, Mrs. Fraser, on _absolute_ bedrest in the meantime.” 

“Absolutely,” Jamie nodded and gripped my hand. 

It wasn’t his fault…Not exactly, but I harbored resentment towards him in that moment that I didn’t know what to do with. If he hadn't taken this job I wouldn't be in this spot now.....

“In other news, do you both want to know if it's a boy or a girl?"

Jamie’s square jaw broke into a smile, and I felt my heart leap in my chest. We shared a look before he nodded. 

"Your premonitions were right, Claire. You're having a daughter, Mr. Fraser!" 

The air left Jamie's lungs in a small burst from his mouth and I could sense tears were welling up in his slanted, sapphire eyes. Jamie kissed my head as I smiled, I felt a teardrop land warm and salty on my cheek and I savored the softness of the moment in spite of the fear slowly fading in my gut. 

My first thoughts were of a Bible verse I had heard a long time ago as a child. 

_Ye of little faith._

Faith. 

It would stick. As would she. 

………………

Jamie texted Geillis to let her know we were alright before driving us straight home. He would get my car later or send Jenny or Ian. 

The Boston sky disappeared into a blur of country brush and early forsythia blooms that passed the passenger's side on the drive home to Lallybroch. 

“Claire.” 

I looked firmly out the window, arms clenched around my middle, the pain had subsided, Dr. Moon determined my agitated state was the cause of a mild bit of preterm labor. At just four, almost five months gestation, it was no laughing matter. I was given an IV as well as medication to take round the clock and a strict order for bedrest in the meantime. 

“Are ye mad at me, then?” 

I didn’t answer. 

“Because I came as fast as I could, Claire. Ye ken I was across town.” 

“Yes, I “ken”,” I said harshly. 

It always annoyed him when I made fun of the accent and I knew it was a low blow, grasping-at-straws attempt to distract from the real brass tacks of our argument. 

“Ran not one, but TWO red lights to get to you I might add.” 

“Hmm.” 

“Christ Claire.” Jamie’s voice was agitated now. “D’ye not see how ye frightened me? This is our bairn we’re talking about, ye think ye could’ve called me first-” 

“I know perfectly well this is our baby, Jamie. Jesus H. Do you think I did this on purpose?” 

“Well, no, but-” 

“But?!” 

Jamie clenched his jaw tightly, his grip. 

“Ye were supposed to be careful, Claire. Next thing I heard from Geillis ye were wandering around town when ye were supposed to be at the school. Doing Christ knows what.” 

“You’re blaming me?” I raised my voice. “You who are out at all hours of the day or night with that… that woman!” 

Jamie hissed at me through gritted teeth, “Aye, but I’m ‘no carrying yer child am I?” 

I opened my mouth and promptly closed it again. 

I hated this part in the fights. The two conversations. The one we’re having and the one each of us thinks we’re having. 

Mad at him for keeping secrets from me, my mind was jumping to the worst possible conclusions. 

“Are you sleeping with her?” I blurted out. 

“Christ. Mo Chridhe…” Jamie was visibly startled by the idea. 

“Don’t call me that.” 

I hate when he did that. Pet names when I was mad.

“No, Claire. I’m not. Besides, she’s lesbian. I dinnae think I'm in danger of _that_.” 

_Oh._

Well that changes some things...

“I see.” 

Another awkward silence. Apart from the familiar jolt of the car beneath us as Jamie turned down the gravel lane to Lallybroch, there was nothing to be said. 

Jamie got out of the car quickly and opened the car door for me, helping me up slowly. Before I could object, he scooped me up and carried me up the porch. I thought about saying something about not being fragile but then I realized I _was_. 

I knew my pride would have to take a firm backseat to Jamie’s own stubbornness. 

“I’ll run ye a bath. Stay put.” 

I was left alone in our family room to nurse my wounded pride when he returned and helped me up the steps to the bathroom. I undressed in exhaustion and slipped into the tub, it felt like heaven and I could tell he took care to add just the right amount of lavender bath salts I kept in the closet for special occasions or when I was really run down from work. Jamie held my hand as I got in and began looking over the paperwork the doctor had sent home with us. 

“You’ll have to let work know, Claire. Ye cannae be working in your condition.” His tone took on one of worry as I heard his tell… his accent thickened whenever he was feeling intensely. 

“I know.” I said softly. 

“Ye’ll stay here. I’ll work. I’ll have a talk with Fergus about helping ye out more. For us. Our daughter.” Jamie’s mouth twitched into a wide grin. 

In spite of my hurt, I smiled. I would never tire of him saying that word. 

“I’m sorry.” 

The words burst from me suddenly, as did the sob that welled up in my voice. 

“I ken. Me too. I shouldn’a have blamed ye for it. Wherever ye were ye had reason to be there. I trust ye, Claire.” 

Jamie looked at me then, setting the papers down and knelt down besides the claw foot tub rolling the sleeve of his long sleeved raglan tee to dip a calloused hand into the water and playfully douse my growing bump. A slight linea nigra line now ran from my bellybutton to my pubic bone, Jamie bent over me and kissed it thoughtfully. 

My heart flipped around at the tiny quiver of movement I felt deep in my core. It was faint at first, as though the wing of a butterfly were lightly pressing against the lining of my stomach, fluttering in circular movements searching for freedom. 

Suddenly, tiny ripples echoed out around my body from the bump. I caught my breath and Jamie’s eyes widened. 

“Did… did she?” 

I nodded, my eyes filling up with a different emotion altogether. 

“She did.” 

Jamie all but dove into the water with me, hands around my bare belly feeling it gently as his face twisted up in mixed joy and shock. 

“Faith,” Jamie began slowly, unsure of what to say. I smiled at him broadly and watched as he struggled to find words. 

“It’s your Da, wee one. I’m so happy tae meet you. I cannae wait tae see you.” 

Again, ripples. My entire belly quivered a little bit on the left side and I burst into tears of joy watching Jamie interact with Faith. 

The quickening, I remembered the term from when Fergus was in utero, but I had never felt him move so early. Then again, Fergus kicked me like an ox. This was different. 

It felt slightly like a goldfish swimming around inside me, flipping and exploring new areas, new angles. She was curious. And seemed to love her Daddy’s voice, deep with emotion and rumbling with the brogue I had fallen in love with all those years ago in the theatre where we had met. 

The cold ice that had formed around my heart at whatever secret Jamie was keeping from me, melted. I trusted him as well. He would tell me, in his own time, in his own way. I needed to give him the loving patience he showed me in return. 

It was one thing to fight with your significant other, but quite another thing to fight with a significant other who loves you. I knew Jamie had my back even when I was wrong, to have that reckless man as a safety net in case my pride ever got the better of me (which it did) was a wonder bold and new to me. 

Letting someone love you when you’re wrong and loving someone enough to care for them when they were wrong, now that was marriage. I’d been in a state of legal matrimony before, yes, but marriage? Not before James Fraser. 

He had my heart, my soul, and my body in his care. For this gentle man, I would hold the peace and the space between us until he came to me ready to confide in me with the truth of his secrets. As with his child, I would bear them with him and carry them deep in my heart. 

................

Heart eyes for soft Daddy Jamie 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taing Dhia- Thank God  
> Mo Chridhe- My Heart 
> 
> Thankful for each and every one of you who read my fics. Lately I've had a lot of self-doubt, but fic writing is my happy place and it helps me mentally quite a bit. I am always deeply moved by anyone commenting or reading my work, thank you for coming back and following me in this journey! You are loved.


	15. Holy Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sister, shoulder, daughter, lover  
> Healer, broken halo, mother  
> Nature, fire, suit of armor  
> Soul survivor, holy water  
> Secret keeper, fortune teller  
> Virgin Mary, scarlet letter  
> Technicolor, river wild  
> Baby girl, woman child  
> Female  
> -Keith Urban

Claire looked so small on that exam table. I ken she was losing weight with the nausea of morning sickness but didn’t realize the toll it had taken on her until I saw her wan and upset in the harsh light of the medical building. 

I had raced all the way across town skipping every red light I could and cautiously driving around bends to get to the office sooner. Geillis’s voice had an edge of panic as she called from Claire’s phone while I was just about to enter G’s penthouse. 

Family emergency, my wife needs me. 

I texted rather than opened the door, she would have to deal. Another afternoon benefit and photo op. 

My heart was thudding against the top of my ribcage as I raced into the medical office and ran to the room the appointment coordinator pointed to. I braced myself for seeing the worst, the potential blood and tears of a miscarriage. I opened the door not knowing what to expect, but when I saw the flicker of the black and white sonogram move I broke into tears. 

Taing Dhia. Thank God. 

Dr. Moon knew we had wanted to find out the gender of our bairn, so it was no surprise to me when she told us. A girl. A wee lass, all of my own. 

Christ she would be beautiful. In my heart I had already imagined what she might look like. I hoped she would be a spitting image of my gorgeous wife. After all, Claire had the dominant genes with her dark hair and honey brown eyes. 

I was a goner. I could see it now, a wee wisp of a child wi’ a mess of tangled brown curls looking up at me wi’ those whiskey eyes and begging me for something I would just have tae do for her. 

No doubt the stable outside would have at least one pony. Two, for Fergus as well. The thought inspired me on the ride home but not for long before I realized Claire was angry with me. 

Her accusation of me sleeping with Geneva was enough to knock me flat. 

Had she really such little faith in me? 

Faith. It was perfect. Faith Ellen. 

I had cooled down on the ride home, my heart breaking at the memory of Claire’s tear-stained worried face in the office. I had vowed to protect and love her through every day of her life and I had failed today. Instead of love she received judgement from me. I had come down harshly on her when she was justified in living her own life. 

No more. 

All that mattered was her, her and the child. Our child. Our family of soon-to-be-four. 

I noticed Claire kept her mouth shut as I took the bed rest thing seriously and transported her to the house by means of carrying her. My usual fireball of a spouse kept her mouth shut about being capable, I realized she was as frightened as I was by the events of that afternoon. 

I didn’a ken what to do so I ran a bath for her. 

I felt helpless in the way most men do when their women are hurting. I can bear the weight of her grief, her pain but given the physical and unique curse of bearing children… I was at a loss. 

So I ran a bath. 

Bath salts wi’ wee herbs in them, I supposed they ought to do something. What I did not ken. 

I tossed Claire’s clothes into the washer and treated the blood stain on her underwear with hydrogen peroxide. 

I suppose I didn’t shy away from the things most men did. Being raised with Jenny taught me verra clearly how to ken when a woman was on her courses and how not to deal with her. I paused as I started the cycle of laundry. 

It could have ended so much worse and I’d never be able to forgive myself for it. For getting her wi’ child and then putting her through that. 

The weight of the next few months hit us both on the ride home and we both thought of how it would be different around here. 

Claire was a mother first and a wife second. I ken Fergus would always be the first man in her life but she had done such an effortless job she made it all look so easy. 

I’d never before thought of how many roles a woman played in her life until I met Claire. She was a healer, a lover, a mother, a friend, a shoulder when I needed it. A cook, a helper, a confident… 

My last thought pained me. How I’d wanted to run up the stairs that very instant, two at a time, clutch her to me and tell her of all I’d done. 

But I wasn’a sure. 

Would she love me? Could she love me? A baser human in the worst way, could Claire reconcile the man I was now to the man I was then? 

I returned to the bathroom and read over the paperwork the doctor had given us, she had laid out exactly what Claire was NOT to do for the next few months as the bairn grew and sadly, it was most of her favorite things. 

“If I so much as catch ye wi’ a vacuum, I’ll ken ye didn’a listen.” 

Claire let out a low, dry chuckle as she eased herself further into the water. 

“Yes, Daddy.” 

I shivered. 

“Dinna call me that, Sassypants.” 

Claire’s shoulders shook with laughter in her husky voice as she nodded, “Sounded weird to me, too.” 

“Thank Christ for that small blessing. The moment ye call me yer own father, that’s the moment I’m out, Claire.” 

I left the papers on the sink. 

Claire’s sudden apology then broke my heart in a thousand ways. 

“I ken. Me too. I shouldn’a have blamed ye for it. Wherever ye were ye had reason to be there. I trust you, Claire.” 

I bent down and thoughtfully made sure her growing bump was covered with water. Why I did not ken. 

I guess I wondered if the bairn was cold as I would be not quite submerged in a tub. 

Silly, right? 

My hand shook as I noticed wee ripples emanating from Claire’s belly in the still of the water around it. An island, ever-growing in size and firmness. 

In awe and wonder I interacted with my babe for the first time. How I’d wanted to jump right in with Claire in the water and hold her close. She must’ve thought me mad. 

I’d never known a man could feel such protection or such a pull before a child was born. I hadn’a thought to ever ask Ian about such matters. 

But there, as I sat on the tile floor, talking and watching Claire’s taught belly move in response to my voice, I witnessed something closer to holiness than anything I’d seen in my years on this earth. 

I silently thanked an almighty, loving creator for the gift of life I was beholding. Of forgiveness that only the Divine could offer. My hands were hard and rough on Claire’s soft silky skin, the hands that ripped apart man and demon alike over the years. Now cradling and interacting with my own bairn. 

My heart caught in my throat. As wrong as it was, I would do it again. I would avenge my brother for never having been able to see his own babe live. 

It was wrong. But it felt so right. May God forgive me for bending the hands of fate.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant this to be part of a longer chapter but it ended up wanting to be here all on it's own as a wee bit of Fraser fluff and angst for your mid-week enjoyment. 
> 
> Much love to you all xx


	16. A Growing Web

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and spiders. Always spiders.

“I feel like a whale and we’re only six months here.” 

I looked over at Claire, feet up on the cream rocker I refinished the night before. 

“Aye but yer a cute whale, one that makes all the boy whales go “waaahhhh”.” I smirked. 

“I knew it was a mistake to let you watch Princess Diaries with me on Saturday.” 

I put a hand to my chest in mock-offence, “I’m sorry but if ye think yer keeping Julie Andrews away from me, yer mistaken.” 

I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand, “Looks okay?” 

I nodded towards the walls as I touched up the edging. Claire had decided on cream, gold and light sage green for the baby’s room. She brushed leftover crumbs from the sandwich Fergus had attempted to make her for lunch off her broad belly and smiled. 

“Peanut butter and gummy worms are actually my favorite, thank you honey.”

Fergus had beamed. 

“I love it!” Claire looked at the room in pleasure, “It’s exactly what I wanted, babe.” 

“Well, good. I have to say I like leaving ye satisfied,” I grinned. 

Her face fell. 

“Do you absolutely have to go this weekend?” 

“Aye, I do.” I sealed the paint can with a firm tap on the lid and went over to plant a kiss on my wife’s head. I paused before kneeling down and kissing the bairn as well. “All to ensure yer future, wee one.” 

Battle Assembly, the monthly training for all reserves was scheduled for the first weekend in June. 

Fergus’s birthday was the following Monday and I was anxious to get back home for it. 

“Hurry back then, James Fraser. Or I’ll come find you and drag you back by your thick red curls and you won’t like it one bit!” Claire’s voice caught a little but she mustered a smile. 

“No, I don’t think I would, Sassypants.” 

I wiped my hands on my old work pants and made small work of kissing her full lips and working my way down to her neck. 

“You can’t possibly want me like this.” 

I hated that. The thing she did when she sold herself short. 

“Hey yer talkin about my favorite person there,” I pulled back so she could see the seriousness in my eyes. “Is it really that hard to ken I want ye even now?” 

I saw Claire look flustered for a split second before blinking in embarrassment. 

“I just feel…. So big.” 

“Aye and voluptuous and glowing and sexy.” 

Claire blushed, she wasn’t used to me talking about her like that, although after six years together she really should be. 

She pulled me down to kiss my forehead and rubbed some paint out of my hair with her fingers. 

“I’ll take ye anyway I can have ye, Claire. Now and forever.” 

She smiled softly, “Forever and ever, babe.” 

I smiled as I cleaned up the room. Fergus better be up for some video games this afternoon because I had specific plans to worship Claire’s body one last time before heading out for training in the morning. 

…………………………………………………………….

If for nothing else, the reserves definitely helped me get back into shape again. I missed the order and organization of it all. The mud, the muck, the sweat and smell of a group of twenty men or so absolutely knackered after a run in the heat.

I let the others get ahead of me on the pine trail, my footsteps padded and quiet as I knelt by a nearby stream to wet my face in the cool water. The day was a humid and hot 80 degrees. 

Suddenly, I stilled my breath. Something or someone was nearby. Call it the sixth sense or what have you, but I was a man who firmly believed in the gift of a gut feeling. It had saved me on numerous occasions. 

  
  


Sure enough, I heard a voice in the brush near me. 

“Look, G, I can’t do this anymore. You have what you wanted. I sent him over to you compromised.” 

_ Woah what.  _

My ears pricked as I heard Dougal’s grumbling voice carry it’s low and warning tone. 

There was no audible response from anyone so I discerned he was on the phone or some kind of headset. 

“I did what you wanted. I knew he would fail. No, John doesn’t know. Thinks he’s God’s gift.” 

I opened my mouth and then closed it again at the implications of the conversation taking off in my brain like a shot out of a gun. 

“Fine. Last payment, G. I swear to God. You’re a real bitch, you know that, right?” 

I heard Dougal hocking up spit before angrily cursing and running onwards, I didn’t stand up until I heard his footsteps retreat a long ways off. 

First John, now Dougal. 

G’s web was growing bigger by the day it seemed. I had no idea what dirt she would have on the man but I wasn’t too eager to find out anyone else’s secrets. It seemed they were only bringing me further suffering these days. 

I had thought long and hard about a solution for all of this and decided on biding my time until further notice. Being a good little bodyguard until or unless something else happened. Since the day she had cornered me in the library, G hadn’t spoken of the incident. Neither had I. 

It was abundantly clear that the only way to destroy the information was to…

But no. 

My killing days were over. I would not stoop to taking another life. 

Anger burned deeply inside of me at Dougal’s words. Bastard had sent me right into her lair knowing full well I would be a target. 

Somewhere in the web, the flies were tugging, trying to get loose. Demanding to be freed. 

Which one would snap loose first? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for bearing with me this far! Author's note, a lot of plates are spinning at the moment all surrounding G and this horrible web of lies. Get ready for some confrontation coming up as we venture on into the climaxing chapters .... :) much love for humoring me in my madness as this story is a stretch for me from my comfort home of Mirrorball.


	17. Uninvited Guests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Along came a spider .... to blackmail everyone and run away.

I didna realize anyone still went to the opera and yet… here we were. 

I was nonplussed when G texted me where we’d be going that night, even less thrilled about dressing up for the event. I hadna even worn a suit to my own wedding. 

I was only half-listening to Carmen when, at intermission, I bumped into Lord John as I waited for G outside of the ladies room. 

“Hello there handsome,” John’s face broke into a smirk seeing me. “On duty I assume…..” 

“Aye,” I nodded, my tone hushing quickly. I gestured for him to come closer. 

“John, there’s something I must tell ye. About G. And Dougal….” 

In hushed tones, I told him of what I had overheard. 

John’s normally rosy face went gray. 

“Compromised? He actually said that.” 

I nodded sharply, blushing in anger… and shame.

I hated that word, it made me feel like a vulnerable child and in some ways… I was. I ken my secrets lay me open for a psychopath such as Geneva to extract from and torture. She hadn’a made a move to yet…. However I knew it was inevitable. 

  
“And are you?” 

“What?” I glanced at my employer’s face. 

He was in earnest. 

“Compromised?” 

I went silent. 

“Do you have anything…. Anything you’d wish to keep hidden….” John lowered his voice even further until he was hissing at me. 

I plead the fifth. 

“Well fuck, Fraser.” 

John opened his mouth to exhale and closed it again in a thin gray line. 

The door to the ladies room opened and Geneva emerged, her eyes flicked to both of us and her forehead creased in annoyance at John’s presence but he didn’t greet him. 

He and I shared a knowing look before he pressed my arm with his hand and disappeared into the crowd just as the lights were flickering to signal the end of intermission. 

G was absorbed in counting the new bills in her tiny handbag as she exited and paid me no attention on our way back to her private box. 

My phone was on silent but I saw the screen light up blue with a message from John. 

Call me ASAP. Must extricate you immediately. 

Somewhere from the theatre floor, I knew his eyes were burning a hole into the box seats.   
………………………………………………….

Geneva yawned, her red-lipstick mouth looking like a horrid gash on her face in the dark as I secured the penthouse and made ready to leave. 

“James Fraser, you’re an angel. If only your past weren’t so demonic.” 

I should have left, I shouldna have asked but we hadn’a talked since “that” day. 

But I lingered. I had to ken why. Why me? 

Geneva’s blue eyes narrowed slightly in the dark as she took off her heels and set down her bag. 

“ What are you doing tomorrow, Jamie?” 

The hair on the back of my neck stood at attention. 

“Why? When did ye need me?” 

“No reason, just figured you were a family man, surely you and the wife have something planned if I have nothing for you here.” 

I shifted uncomfortably around in my suit jacket, my massive shoulders suddenly too snug in their gray woven confines. 

“I...I’m sorry but that’s really none of yer business if I’m not on duty.” 

Geneva’s blue eyes flashed in anger for a moment, she paused and seemed to gather herself before affecting a fake laugh. 

“Quite right, I forget you’re a man of mystery.” 

She probably knew anyway. I had plans with Ian at the print shop to oversee some new dealings with publishers. 

“If that’s quite all…..” I nodded to the door and G shrugged as I excused myself for the night. 

I had a sneaking suspicion she already ken where I’d be. I just wish I would have listened to my instinct on that. 

…………………………………………………………..  
Lallybroch that afternoon:

“Whatever am I to do with you?” 

I blinked to the small fluff of pure gray on the couch beside me. It blinked back it’s blue-gray baby eyes at me and the spikey baby cat-fur stuck out at all angles. 

………………………………………..

Two hours earlier:

“Now before ye get mad, Claire. It can be only temporary til we find him a home. I figure ye’d be okay wi’ it seeing how yer on bed rest and I can imagine ye get restless with Fergus at school during the day. Now my co-worker’s cat had kittens and she needed a foster so, naturally-” 

Jenny lugged in a litter box, some toys and a bag of food as she produced the wee fluff monster out of it’s tiny carrier. 

“Oh my god, he’s precious!” 

I squealed in spite of myself. 

“Isn’t he? Adso, I already named him as ye see. Looks just like one our mam had when Jamie was a bairn. I reckon he’ll be fonder of the creature for it. I just need a temporary home, Ian has barred me from bringing any human or animal-type creature in as we’re overcrowded as is.” 

I shivered slightly in spite of myself. With two kids, two dogs and three cats, the Murray household was indeed resembling a small zoo. 

“Now holler if ye need help, but I reckon I’ll leave ye to get acquainted.” 

And just like that she was gone. And now I had a cat. 

Temporarily.   
………………………

  
Adso now mewed at me angrily. 

“Come on fuzzball, let’s get you some lunch.” I picked the little fat lump up and held it to my chest, he purred and wiggled his fat little legs to get down as I waddled to the kitchen to find a small bowl for his kibble. 

Just then the doorbell rang. 

“Jen, if you’ve come back for the kitten you can’t have him! He’s mine now.” 

I called out, jokingly. 

A moment, and then the knocker sounded. 

I paused. 

I don’t think any of the Murrays had ever used something as formal as a knocker before. They usually just came on in. 

“Just a moment!” 

I shouted, moving my mass around the kitchen and towards the front door. I could see a smaller shadow darkening the light from the window next to the door but nothing distinct. 

Maybe I should look first…. 

I pushed aside the idea as paranoia and opened the door. 

Definitely should have looked. 

I recognized her instantly from the tabloids and my own internet searching. 

“Geneva...I mean…. Well, what … Jamie’s out.” 

I stammered, my face suddenly beet red as I was distinctly aware of how much she was put together compared to my tee shirt and terry cloth maternity shorts. I looked out in the yard and saw Fergus in his own little world swinging and stimming off the tire swing Jamie hung for him on the oak near the whitewashed barn. Blissfully unaware of everyone. 

Adso climbed my shoulder and I winced as he gripped his baby claws into my skin. 

“Oh I’m just popping by to see you, dear. Claire, right?” Geneva stuck out a well manicured hand and I shook it, mouth open. 

Why the woman was in front of me wearing a black pencil dress I’ll never know. And heels. I shifted my worn out TOMS around hoping she didn’t notice. 

“Yeah….” I said warily. 

She was prettier in person. I wasn’t intimidated by that, usually… but now. Well, at least I had shoes on so I didn’t fit the barefoot pregnant stereotype.

G was the kind of person that had you on your toes no matter what she said or did, it just didn’t seem… enough. 

I gestured to let her in. 

“Um…. please, feel free. I’ve got to put this little bugger down I’m afraid,” I wiggled Adso in my right hand. 

“He’s precious!” G crooned. 

“Isn’t he?” I admitted. 

I walked to the kitchen and could hear her clicking in behind me. 

Surely Jamie told her we live on a farm… 

I set Adso down and watched him happily tuck into his lunch. 

G surveyed the place with her big blue eyes thoughtfully, “So this is Lallybroch, huh?” 

“The one and only,” I tried to smile but couldn’t. 

I tried not to be intimidated by her looks, but she was perfect. Botox-forehead, covergirl perfect. We were similar in appearance to be honest, except she had those eyes….. Mine were brown. And she was much, much shorter than me. But our hair was the same, hers in graceful waves around her shoulders, mine tucked up in a headband and messy bun after a morning of hot flashes and instructing Fergus on planting seedlings in the back garden. 

Keeping my feet up was honestly more work that just plain doing the work myself. But I kept my promise to Jamie and to the doctor. 

“I hope I’m not intruding, it’s just… Jamie talks so much of the place.” 

“He does?” I said quickly. 

“Of course,” G smiled sweetly, “of you and the kiddo and the house… it’s a lot bigger than he described actually. False modesty.” 

“Well we’re raising all sorts here,” I tried to smile, gesturing to the little feline and to my growing midsection now large enough to balance a teacup on. 

“Can I get you some water… or something? Afraid all we have is tap.” 

I wanted to facepalm. But for some reason she didn’t look like a tap water girl. 

“That’d be lovely,” Geneva said quickly, her mouth twitched at the left corner and I could tell the way her perfectly oval face was working, she was trying to hold back some comment or other.

I didn’t like her. I wanted her out. Now. What the hell. 

“So this is family bliss, eh?” G took a quiet sip of water from the blue glass I handed her. 

I didn’t know how to respond as her blue eyes lit over our family room and our framed wedding photos there. She stared at one of me and Jamie where he was lifting me up and I had my arms wrapped around his neck. 

“Why are you really here?” 

“I don’t have to have an ulterior motive, do I?” She looked offended, but she was a bad actor. 

I would know. 

“Babe…?” 

Jamie’s voice was in the hall followed by Fergus’s shouts. 

Thank God. 

“Next time throw me higher,” Fergus chirped excitedly. 

“Nah, my lad I think yer mam won’t like it if I did….” 

Jamie entered the room around the bend, carrying Fergus upside down with one arm. The boy contorted and giggled like it was the best thing in the world. 

Jamie’s smile died on his face as he saw us there, I shot daggers at him with my eyes. 

My chest tightened and I wanted to crawl out of my skin and run upstairs away from the awkwardness. 

Still, I was too polite to ask her to leave. Jamie read my face and cleared his voice. 

“Miss…Didn’a realize ye ken where I live…”

I shot a look at Geneva but she didn’t blink, instead her eyes lay fixated on Jamie’s face clearly enjoying herself now. Sick fuck. 

Those two words shot into my mind and I couldn’t get them out. Jamie was clearly anxious about her presence and she was enjoying it. The show. The great reveal. 

The whole thing was some soap opera drama that I would usually flip the channel on. But I couldn’t. This was real life. 

“Alright, boyyo, run off to get yer Legos out I’ll be in in two ticks.” 

Jamie swung Fergus right side up and gave him a gentle push towards the stairs. He was at my side in an instant, arm around me protectively. He gave me a small kiss on my head and rested his hand on the lower part of my back as we surveyed G over the granite countertop separating us from the little dining area. 

“I dinna ken I’d be needed by ye today….” 

“Oh, I’m here to see Claire.” G smiled softly. 

I could feel Jamie stiffen next to me. 

“Aye?” 

He looked down at me, his blue eyes piercing my face. I smiled weakly. 

“Well,” G sighed as if too tired to move. “It’s been real, I’ll get going now. I had my driver take a few turns if that’s alright.” 

She stood up to her full height and still only reached my chin. 

“I’ll see ye out,” Jamie gritted through his teeth. 

I felt sick to my stomach as I watched them move towards the entry. 

“Nice cat, by the way.” G smiled sweetly over her shoulder at me. 

………………………………………

“Yer not welcome here,” I glared at her, drawing myself up to my full height and glowering over her.

“Oh I know that, Mr. Fraser. Jamie.” G stood on the mat and put a hand to my cheek. 

I recoiled. 

“Tsk. Tsk.” 

“Why’d ye come?” 

“To see what I’d been missing,” G explained shortly. 

I frowned in confusion. 

“If you ever think you can just leave me……” G trailed off and took a deep breath of country air in her thin little nostrils. 

“Don’t.” 

She opened her eyes into her usual reptilian glaze and looked up at me hotly. Practically storming off, she got into the black vehicle and soon rumbled down the gravel drive and out of sight beyond the pines. 

A new fear had set itself upon my heart as I rounded on my heels and went in to join my family.  
  
The air was hot and thick with the promise of a summer rain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moral conundrum of the story has been hard for me to put into words in these last few chapters. I'm seeking to answer these questions, when everyone has a past who can you trust? Every saint has a past yes, but what happens when that comes up in the present?   
> Is love enduring when you marry the person you thought you didn't?   
> What happens when you let the person you love see the scariest part of yourself you want to keep hidden? 
> 
> All in a slightly sci-fi, microchip blackmailer, mental-library wielding bad guy (gal). 
> 
> Bridging the chapters has been hard but I am finally about to go there in the next one and bring it all together with one hell of a climax... hah... finally. 
> 
> Thanks for entertaining my meandering musings xx much love as always!


	18. The Point of No Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A psychopath is born.

“What was that all about?” I looked at Jamie expectantly as soon as he came in and closed the door. 

He ran a hand over his red curls and frowned, “I dinnae ken.” 

“....Okay…” 

“We got a kitten!” Fergus burst in, carrying Adso by the round belly and holding him up for Jamie to see. 

His eyes lit up, “Oh did we now?” 

“Courtesy of Jenny, she said it was a foster placement but we all know it’s a permanent thing,” I laughed, looking at Fergus’s newfound friend. 

“Ah, well it’ll do the lad some good to have a pal to run around with especially with ye being off yer feet, Sassypants.” 

Jamie scooped up the kitten and his face got ridiculously mushy over it. 

“My Mam had a cat just like this one growing up,” he said slowly. 

“Adso,” I mentioned. 

“Aye, no doubt Jen named this one after it, too.” 

“Dad, you said we’d build Legos…” Fergus blinked at us with his big blue eyes from one to the other and shifted his feet around like he was about to burst. 

“Aye, so I did,” Jamie chuckled and set the kitten down, giving me a kiss he nodded and whispered to me under his breath, “Later, Claire.” 

I nodded. Later never really came. In the middle of the chaos that was life with a new kitten, we were all thoroughly distracted and I passed out hard before we ever got to talk about the incident with G at the house. 

I felt too weird to bring it up again, but I hurt. As much as I loved and trusted Jamie, I knew I didn’t trust her. 

I went to bed that night with an ache in my heart that my husband lay next to me but felt so, so far away. 

…………………………………………….

_G’s POV_

  
  


It all started in kindergarten, Tommy Walhouse didn’t want to share his glitter with me. At recess, I waited until we were on the top of the slide and then I shoved him off. No one saw, no one believed Tommy when he told them I pushed him, either. 

There were other incidents growing up, the hair cutting of another student, the kicking of my neighbor’s dog. Once I even slapped my own grandmother across the face because she told me ‘no’. I wasn’t sorry. I felt no remorse. 

I felt pain though. The pain of being utterly unlovable. 

My own parents disowned me at a young age. 

So I moved out, I became ‘G’. 

G didn’t care. G didn’t feel. 

G was the best! 

I was an asset to everyone I met, of course I never got my hands dirty but… murder? Yup. Espionage? You bet. Trafficking? Well, under the right circumstances. Why not? 

  
  


Inch my inch, my web grew, my reach sustained me and my lifestyle. I liked pretty things. Pretty people. It wasn’t hard to find when you were young, attractive and smart. 

Five years now since I made blackmail my main money maker. 

Sometimes I laugh and laugh about it. 

My own secret, my own hidden treasures. 

No one would hurt me again. 

I would have all the world’s information under my skin. 

Literally, I got body modification to add in the microchip. Updated from software on my own master computer, I uploaded files and CCTV. 

See, I don’t really sleep. I spend hours on the high that is watching people’s lives go by around me. I’ll never know true love, fear or frailty. So I watch it all from my high tower. 

I’m addicted. Emotions are like cocaine to me. 

Each sensation is a hit of a different color. Is this life? Not this gray and muddled non-feeling mess I was born into. But actual life? 

My ‘web’ of information was triggered when I caught Dougal, nasty old pervert by the way, fucking Claire’s best friend. 

The resulting baby was only too good, too good…. And oh how I extorted it. 

And dear John’s lovely ex fiancé, draining financial accounts of his company’s business to Aruba… only too good. 

I was expecting to be under surveillance soon. So I put the job out there, better to know what I’m dealing with than be caught unawares. I needed a ‘bodyguard’. So I ask John, in return for keeping his secret. I know he’s a double-crosser. So he went to Dougal, who I already promised to keep his secret as long as he provided John with someone really juicy. 

Someone who would fail. 

And then there was Jamie. 

I’d never met anyone like him. 

I couldn’t wait to ask him for what I wanted, what I really wanted. 

I wasn’t sure until I met Claire. Funny, enough. But now I was. 

It was a warm night in July when I laid my trap. 

I got dressed in a black, silk gown, one that barely covered my young breasts, my skin milky white and perfect against the dark material. I even had my own beauty team over to ensure not a hair was out of place, not an eyelash astray. Tonight was important. It had to be. 

Coating myself in my pheromone cologne, I waited. I poured two glasses of the finest whiskey and waited. It would be an offer he wouldn’t be able to resist and it had to be tonight. 

……………………………………………………………….

  
  


As I arrived at Geneva’s that night, my heart wasn’t there. It was home. Home at Lallybroch. The pain in my heart at leaving Claire and Fergus yet another night was nothing to the ache inside me that I could not quit this job due to what G knew about me. 

I wanted nothing more than to break my own back with physical labor again, earn pennies, and scrape by with my wife and son at my side. I missed being there for bedtime stories and tears sprang into my eyes each time I came home so late I only had time to slide into our bed next to Claire knowing I hadn’t seen her since the morning. 

I missed the print shop, Ian, Jenny. I missed not having to hide so much. 

I missed my wife. 

My heart broke at the thought of Claire having to sleep alone each night in our bed, hoping I’d come home. Sometimes I found her with the lights on, the book she’d been reading toppled over onto her stomach. She tried everything to wait up for me. I ken she didn’t sleep nearly as well without me there in that big house in the country, all by herself. 

I must’ve hung my head when I entered the penthouse that evening, expecting G to be ready for a play premier downtown. I did not expect to see what I did when I opened the door that night. 

G was waiting for me on her sofa with two glasses of whiskey poured out neat on the glass table in front of her. 

I opened my mouth and looked quizzically at her. I noticed she wasn’t dressed to go… well, anywhere. 

“But… the play?” I gestured to the door behind me. 

“Pretending can wait, Jamie. Let’s be real.” 

I was immediately uncomfortable. Not only did I realize she was wearing next to nothing but she was waiting for me like a cat about to pounce. 

“I’m not sure I ken yer meaning,” I said slowly. 

“I have the information you want to keep hidden and I just found a perfect way to make it all…. Just disappear.” 

I swallowed hard and took a step in, “Aye?” 

“Drink with me.” 

She commanded. 

As much as I hated the woman, I found myself walking towards her and sitting down across from her. 

I took the glass and sniffed it, but didn’t take a sip of the expensive whiskey. 

“I’m offended if you think I’ve spiked it. I want you to be awake for this, James.” 

WIth heart sinking, I took a sip. God it was smooth. 

“I’ve decided to wipe the harddrive for you.” G said softly. 

“You did? Why?” 

She swirled her whiskey around in the glass and leaned forward slightly, I could see straight down to her navel beneath the dress she was wearing, her long hair perfectly parted in the middle to make a makeshift curtain for what was exposed. 

“Your wife, seeing her made me realize I want something. Something you can give me.” 

“I’m not… catching yer meaning.” I swallowed again, suddenly getting hot from the anticipation of whatever dreadful thing she would say next. 

“I want,” G began slowly, setting the glass of whiskey down on the table with a clink, she leaned back on the couch and looked at me sideways. “I want to be a mother.” 

I coughed. 

“Surely…” 

“I want a home, a family, something to come home to. Lord knows I’ll never find a partner, but a child?” G’s blue eyes lit up in earnest. 

“Absolutely out of the fucking question.” I set the glass down in disgust and stood up to leave. 

Geneva crossed the room and her hands lay on the buttons of my navy jacket. 

“All gone. All the data. I swear. Just one night.” 

I felt like I was going to throw up. 

“I saw Claire at the house and I thought to myself,” G was babbling now. I never took her for a babbler. “Now won’t that baby be pretty. Because it’s yours.” 

I opened my mouth in horror and half wanted to punch her. 

“Think of it Jamie, my brain and your dark tendencies, it would be a perfect match. Plus looks, my God.” 

“No.” 

I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her slightly, to be fair though my hands were shaking. 

The rage bubbled up inside me and wouldn’t stop. 

“Ye’ve taken enough from me.” 

“I’m about to take it all,” G smiled slyly. “You really think your wife will be with you once she realizes who you are? You’ll never see your son or babe again, Jamie. Let’s be real.” 

My mouth twitched holding in the vitriol that ran through my head. The bitch. 

“Everything you still are you owe to me.” 

Suddenly, I snapped. I grabbed her harder and pushed her into the couch, G reached up and kissed me. I sputtered back and pushed her away from me roughly. 

“It’s just a fuck, Jamie. What the hell. I thought you’d want to. It’s not like I even like dick. I’m just fertile right now and-” 

“Shut up!” I roared into her face. “I’m done. You’ll not be seeing me again.” 

My heart was in my throat as I shook and wiped her lipstick off my lips with the back of my hand. 

“Jamie,” G began softly. 

I shook my head and took the gun out of the holder inside my jacket. Emptying the bullets in the whiskey glass, I tossed the gun on the floor. 

“I’m done. Don’t ever contact me or my family again.” 

And just like that it was over. I left G mouth-open and red-faced on the couch as I flung open the door and walked out. I would never be back. 

_Claire._

Her name was on my lips as I scrubbed off the last bit of G’s makeup. I knew I had fucked up, but I had to tell her. Tonight. It was the only way out of it all. 

Would she accept me? Would she love me still? 

My heart broke as I drove towards home and whatever lay waiting for me there in the dark. 

My phone rang twice before she answered. 

“Babe? Everything okay? I thought you were going to be at that premiere tonight?” 

I could hear Fergus playing in the background. 

“Stop that honey, you’ll break something,” Claire interjected. “Babe?” 

I tried to steady my voice on the line, “Yeah… um cancelled. Actually I quit.” 

There was a moment before Claire answered. 

“Oh,” she said simply. 

“Good or bad?” 

I didn’t know which. 

“We’ll talk, Claire.” I said darkly. 

“Okay… be safe. I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

And I did. I really did. 

  
  


………………………………

**Breaking news**

**At 3 am today, a woman's body was found strangled in her own penthouse. Geneva “G” Dunsany, 21, was found strangled to death with one of her own belts in her high rise. Police are treating this as a homicide and are asking any and all witnesses to please come forward.**

  
  
  



End file.
